Why Three Isn’t Always a Crowd in a Successful Relationship

A very wise friend of mine once said that the secret to sustaining a successful relationship was in recognising the benefits of a threesome.

While I tried hard not to choke on my wine or to catch the eye of her husband, she explained that she wasn’t talking about a third person, but a third entity.

As she put it, in her marriage there was herself, her husband and then the third entity, which was the relationship itself.

Many of her friends, she went on, had taken the preservation of the relationship to an art-form.

They had invested huge amounts of time and energy to the relationship, often to the detriment of their own personal growth and happiness.

Their needs – right to the core of their identity – had taken back-seat to the perceived needs of the relationship.

The Poor Relation

Women are naturally more focused on the third entity than men.

Go into any coffee shop and you will hear a woman chatting about her “relationship” as if it is at home, minding the kids. We are also often the first to identify when our relationship is feeling off-colour, and are the quickest to leap to its defense when others question its health.

But certainly a really healthy relationship needs to be fed from two positive and fertile sources.

Recognising the specific requirements of the relationship – a sense of common purpose, a spirit of compromise, and so on – is essential. Yet my friend would argue that this third entity is of no greater value or importance than either herself or her husband.

A really successful relationship, it stands to reason, is where a couple, as individuals and as a unit, are all in perfect balance.

One Plus One Makes Three

We are programmed to pursue personal health, happiness and prosperity and when we commit to a relationship, we sign up to support our partner’s pursuit of these same goals.

Yet in many ways a long-term relationship is an unnatural way to live.

Entwining the pathways of our life and then spending the majority of our time, energy and emotion on one other person is a challenge. It is debatable if this kind of long-term unity was ever even intended within our biological make-up.

But biology aside, it is in our cultural constitution to make commitments and work hard to stick to them.

As my friend pointed out, many of us commit more to our relationships than to any other aspect of our lives.

But even in the most dedicated of relationships, independence and personal space may often feel under siege and as we grow and change over the years, it can be even more difficult to walk in time to the same beat.

• Q. So how do two very different people – with continually evolving interests, activities and relationships that may have nothing in common with their partner’s – manage to keep their relationship healthy, happy and prosperous?
• A. By recognising that the third entity – the relationship – is not about expecting a round peg to morph into a square, simply because their partner is all sharp lines and angles.

Simply put, a circle and a square – an extroverted, intuitive woman and her introverted, logical man – should not be required to fit into the same hole.

Instead, the relationship should reflect the similarities that exist between them until it takes on a shape somewhere between the two…

The Three Rs

Let’s consider successful relationships outside the home.

Business partners often forge and uphold a commitment to financially, emotionally and socially support each other.

It is in their mutual interests, however, to not only preserve their relationship, but to recognise, respect and reward their individual roles and responsibilities.

Ultimately, the success of their partnership depends on their individual ability to contribute.

But how often do we apply the same rationale to our personal relationships?

• Do we allow our partners to grow and change, or do we expect them to bend more towards our own needs and expectations as the years roll by?
• Do we recognise their personal achievements, or do we feel threatened by the things they accomplish that we do not influence or contribute to?

If we were to adopt a similar philosophy of keeping the three entities in our personal relationships in balance, we might try to remember and apply the Three Relationship Rs:

1. Recognise your needs – Honestly identify and assess what is most important to you. Look at yourself in isolation of your relationship and work out what you need most to grow and prosper. Be aware that some of these needs may have been put in moth-balls for a number of years, but take the time to dig them out and see if they still have merit.

2. Respect your differences – Just as dressing alike is best limited to childhood, insisting upon living identical lives can restrict and stunt a relationship. Instead, revel in your differences as they can given added dimensions to your relationship. Rather than trying to change your partner to reflect your own interests or ambitions, invoke a spirit of compromise and acceptance.

3. Reward your achievements – It is highly likely that your strengths and skills are different to your partner’s, but both should be equally valued. We all function best when our efforts are rewarded, so create opportunities for you both to feel appreciated. Also indulge in the skills you both share, so that your relationship is strengthened through mutual accomplishment.

Keeping the “3 Rs” as the foundation of our relationship allows for a solid and balanced platform upon which all three entities can grow and prosper in harmony.

Tags: balance, commitment, identity, Personal Development
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