What Not to Say When You Meet Someone New

Last weekend I was eating dinner with the family at a restaurant appropriately called Social when our conversation was interrupted by the discrete but insistent ringing of a bell.

Confused for a moment that last orders had somehow snuck up on us, I turned to watch a group of people simultaneously rise from their seats.

Like experienced synchronised swimmers, they rotated to the left and sat in the next vacated chair.

Despite being women of all ages, they shared a common expression that fluctuated between nervous and expectant.

“Speed dating,” my sister said knowledgeably and as if a bell chimed only for my family’s ears, all conversation at our table evaporated as we swiveled in unison to stare.

I looked at these brave souls.

Psychologists tell us that within just 10 minutes of meeting, people decide what kind of relationship they want with a new acquaintance.

So while speed dating seems the perfect answer to time-poor singles, it made me wonder how many of them were experiencing the car-crash equivalent of a first date.

And over a magical after-dinner cocktail, my surreptitious eavesdropping confirmed my fears.

More than a few of the intrepid singles were on their way to a head-on collision with openers like the following:

Sorry for taking up your time…

Why the apology? Beginning a sentence with “sorry” instantly gives people reason to look for insult.

Unless you have burnt a cigarette hole in the centre of their forehead, assume that your presence isn’t totally offensive.

You can always apologise to their retreating back if things don’t work out.

So you’re the new boss… Good luck!

There is one in every office I venture into: the doomsday cynic who offers their gloomy view of the world before I have even clipped on my security pass.

While a laconic outlook probably has all the guys at the Support Desk sniggering over their irregular IQ cubes, it definitely sends the wrong message to management.

What is your friend’s name..?

You might as well order your cappuccino while you are at it - no one likes to feel like their mate’s PA.

You’re always here, aren’t you?

This is almost as bad as pointing out that the person is wearing the same outfit as last week.

Everyone wants to preserve a little bit of mystery. Make them feel as frequent a visitor as the woman who fills the hand-towel dispenser and they won’t thank you for it.

Did you know you have spinach in your teeth / toilet paper on your shoe / a zip at half mast..?

It may be disturbing to see someone in a potentially embarrassing situation, but walking up and bluntly informing them of their social transgression is sure to be received as enthusiastically as a parking ticket.

Begin with some small talk before you shatter their image of themselves as the most gorgeous, together creature in the room.

I just had to come over and tell you that you have the best (fill in any personal compliment…)

Just having to do anything suggests a craving bordering on obsession. Nothing makes a pair of beautiful eyes narrow faster than this kind of hackneyed one-liner.

A simple rule: unless you are gifted with more charm than a rabbit’s foot, don’t try sucking up to strangers.

It is so boring / crowded / desperate here, don’t you think?

Unless the other person has been forced into the building by gunpoint, their presence suggests that they are there because they want to be.

Worse still, this kind of question suggests the stranger is an expert on undesirable places. All round this sets the wrong mood for a new friendship.

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