The Secret To a Successful Cross-Cultural Relationship

My husband and I, if reduced to characteristics on a piece of paper, would appear to be polar opposites.

We differ on nationality, religion, language and personality type.

When my parents first heard that their fifth-generation Australian, Catholic, English-teacher daughter was getting married, they no doubt expected that my logical, sensible personality would have directed me into the arms of the “boy next door”.

Instead, I married a Muslim from a small village in Kosova who was fluent in four languages (none of them English) and well versed in war, poverty and discrimination.

On paper he no doubt sounded like a troubled and desperate person that needed rescuing. Certainly more than one insensitive “friend” asked if he wasn’t merely marrying me as a means of escaping his tormented homeland.

But what people quickly came to see was that we had discovered the secret of a cross-cultural relationship: we were bound by an almost identical sense of humour.

The Universal Language of Humour

Whichever way you spell it, humour / humor is universal.

This doesn’t mean that you have to both collapse at Monty Python jokes or start the day with your fingers wedged in each other’s armpits.

Utilising the universal language of humour means communicating on a fundamental, positive level.

Think of the last time you were in a cinema or a lecture or a church and something tickled your funny bone. Can you remember that moment when you met the eyes of a humour soul-mate? The connection is almost unmatchable. In that moment you are sharing something that is both very personal and very positive.

Shared humour is a recognition of shared experience and understanding.

Have you ever seen a pair of teenagers roll their eyes when a parent stares in bewilderment at a TV show, demanding, “What’s so funny?” The reality is that the parent doesn’t “get it” and the teenagers feel empowered by their shared, exclusive experience and understanding.

On a cultural level, sharing a sense of humour often means viewing the world in a similar way.

This is because your value system is embedded in your reactions to the world and its stories.

To give a cross-cultural relationship a firm foundation, you need to explore the way in which you both view the world. If you find laughter in similar things, you have a platform from which you can communicate in a positive way, every day.

Laughter Makes the World Go Round

Tina Su at Think Simple. Be Decisive in her article “The Art of Smiling”, offers a comprehensive list of ways to bring a smile into your life.

She offers a smile-inducing formula for a real smile: Genuine Smile = Crinkly Eyes

If you are still not convinced, consider the personal benefits of laughter.

Laughing:

• engages almost every major part of your body;
• convulses and gives your organs a much-needed massage, stimulating circulation and enhancing general wellbeing;
• ultimately lowers heart rate and blood pressure;
• increases oxygen intake. When we laugh, we gulp in air so that the oxygen moves a lot faster to already relaxed muscles;
• balances the left and right sides of the brain;
• releases the body’s natural opiates and pain reliever, beta-endorphins; and
• stimulates the thymus gland, responsible for the immune system.

Yet many successful writers and comic talents agree that humour has a dark side.

To Virginia Woolf, “The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder” and Mark Twain said, “The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.”

But I believe that humour applied with a loving hand is a force stronger than gravity in a troubled world.

Bridging the Cultural Gap

Cross-cultural relationships are often beset by challenges.

Not everyone understands the motives behind such a relationship or appreciates the bonds that a cross-cultural couple shares.

The extended community can be slow to accept or sometimes totally opposed to the union.

There can also be difficulties associated with immigration, homesickness, and on a very personal level, culture shock. Just because you love a person does not mean that you completely understand them.

When all else seems to be against you, the power of laughter cannot be underestimated.

My husband and I have “done it tough” in many ways. Despite the love we share, the commitment to common goals and the support of our friends and family, a cross-cultural relationship often has a few extra sides and surfaces that conflict can adhere to.

Consider all of the issues that divide cultures: the views on politics, race, war, crime, women, sexuality and so on. A culture is sewn together by the fabric of these beliefs. What may seem absurd to one community is a cultural norm to another.

Drop these different and sometimes opposing issues down into the microcosm of a marriage and it is inevitable that sparks will fly.

But it is how you deal with these issues that determines the success of your relationship. Why not view them with humour, I say?

Smile and the Whole World Smiles with You

Let me clarify what I mean by “humour” for those who may be thinking that I am making light of weighty issues.

That is exactly what I am doing.

Laughter alleviates the pressures of our complex world.

But I do have some cautionary suggestions about the use of humour in a cross-cultural relationship. They are:

1.Be Gentle

Humour is a gentle way of letting people know your point of view.

It is not about power or division. Treat humour like a wild bird - handle it with care and it is a thing of beauty, but a heavy-handed approach will send it out of control.

2. Avoid Sarcasm

My husband had to come to Australia to learn about sarcasm.

In his culture it simply doesn’t exist. In my culture it was the foundation stone of every teenager rebellion and the weapon of every disgruntled worker - “Don’t you know that safety in the workplace is more important to the boss than productivity…”

Sarcasm really is the lowest form of wit. There is a disconnect between the head and heart when you use sarcasm - avoid at all costs.

3.Respect Taboos

Some things really are are out of bounds.

Recognise the boundaries early - they may surprise you - and do not cross them.

It is not worth taking the risk that your humorous approach will hurt your partner. On these subjects, stick to more conventional forms of communication.

Tags: culture, humour, laughter, love, marriage
Posted in Relationships. Permalink for this post: permalink. If you are a Digg user, please  Digg this post. |  Stumble It If you use use Del.icio.us, then add us in:  Del.icio.us

What do you think?

Leave a comment! Or send a trackback from your own blog.

RSS