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My husband and I, if reduced to characteristics on a piece of paper, would appear to be polar opposites.
We differ on nationality, religion, language and personality type.
When my parents first heard that their fifth-generation Australian, Catholic, English-teacher daughter was getting married, they no doubt expected that my logical, sensible personality would have directed me into the arms of the “boy next door”.
Instead, I married a Muslim from a small village in Kosova who was fluent in four languages (none of them English) and well versed in war, poverty and discrimination.
On paper he no doubt sounded like a troubled and desperate person that needed rescuing. Certainly more than one insensitive “friend” asked if he wasn’t merely marrying me as a means of escaping his tormented homeland.
But what people quickly came to see was that we had discovered the secret of a cross-cultural relationship: we were bound by an almost identical sense of humour.
The Universal Language of Humour
Whichever way you spell it, humour / humor is universal.
This doesn’t mean that you have to both collapse at Monty Python jokes or start the day with your fingers wedged in each other’s armpits.
Utilising the universal language of humour means communicating on a fundamental, positive level.
Think of the last time you were in a cinema or a lecture or a church and something tickled your funny bone. Can you remember that moment when you met the eyes of a humour soul-mate? The connection is almost unmatchable. In that moment you are sharing something that is both very personal and very positive.
Shared humour is a recognition of shared experience and understanding.
Have you ever seen a pair of teenagers roll their eyes when a parent stares in bewilderment at a TV show, demanding, “What’s so funny?” The reality is that the parent doesn’t “get it” and the teenagers feel empowered by their shared, exclusive experience and understanding.
On a cultural level, sharing a sense of humour often means viewing the world in a similar way.
This is because your value system is embedded in your reactions to the world and its stories.
To give a cross-cultural relationship a firm foundation, you need to explore the way in which you both view the world. If you find laughter in similar things, you have a platform from which you can communicate in a positive way, every day.
Laughter Makes the World Go Round
Tina Su at Think Simple. Be Decisive in her article “The Art of Smiling”, offers a comprehensive list of ways to bring a smile into your life.
She offers a smile-inducing formula for a real smile: Genuine Smile = Crinkly Eyes
If you are still not convinced, consider the personal benefits of laughter.
Laughing:
- engages almost every major part of your body;
- convulses and gives your organs a much-needed massage, stimulating circulation and enhancing general wellbeing;
- ultimately lowers heart rate and blood pressure;
- increases oxygen intake. When we laugh, we gulp in air so that the oxygen moves a lot faster to already relaxed muscles;
- balances the left and right sides of the brain;
- releases the body’s natural opiates and pain reliever, beta-endorphins; and
- stimulates the thymus gland, responsible for the immune system.
Yet many successful writers and comic talents agree that humour has a dark side.
To Virginia Woolf, “The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder” and Mark Twain said, “The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.”
But I believe that humour applied with a loving hand is a force stronger than gravity in a troubled world.
Bridging the Cultural Gap
Cross-cultural relationships are often beset by challenges.
Not everyone understands the motives behind such a relationship or appreciates the bonds that a cross-cultural couple shares.
The extended community can be slow to accept or sometimes totally opposed to the union.
There can also be difficulties associated with immigration, homesickness, and on a very personal level, culture shock. Just because you love a person does not mean that you completely understand them.
When all else seems to be against you, the power of laughter cannot be underestimated.
My husband and I have “done it tough” in many ways. Despite the love we share, the commitment to common goals and the support of our friends and family, a cross-cultural relationship often has a few extra sides and surfaces that conflict can adhere to.
Consider all of the issues that divide cultures: the views on politics, race, war, crime, women, sexuality and so on. A culture is sewn together by the fabric of these beliefs. What may seem absurd to one community is a cultural norm to another.
Drop these different and sometimes opposing issues down into the microcosm of a marriage and it is inevitable that sparks will fly.
But it is how you deal with these issues that determines the success of your relationship. Why not view them with humour, I say?
Smile and the Whole World Smiles with You
Let me clarify what I mean by “humour” for those who may be thinking that I am making light of weighty issues.
That is exactly what I am doing.
Laughter alleviates the pressures of our complex world.
But I do have some cautionary suggestions about the use of humour in a cross-cultural relationship. They are:
1.Be Gentle
Humour is a gentle way of letting people know your point of view.
It is not about power or division. Treat humour like a wild bird – handle it with care and it is a thing of beauty, but a heavy-handed approach will send it out of control.
2. Avoid Sarcasm
My husband had to come to Australia to learn about sarcasm.
In his culture it simply doesn’t exist. In my culture it was the foundation stone of every teenager rebellion and the weapon of every disgruntled worker – “Don’t you know that safety in the workplace is more important to the boss than productivity…”
Sarcasm really is the lowest form of wit. There is a disconnect between the head and heart when you use sarcasm – avoid at all costs.
3.Respect Taboos
Some things really are are out of bounds.
Recognise the boundaries early – they may surprise you – and do not cross them.
It is not worth taking the risk that your humorous approach will hurt your partner. On these subjects, stick to more conventional forms of communication.
Tags: culture, humour, laughter, love, marriage
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Hello Simone
Yes, the sense of humour is the factor. But another important factor is the commitment and love that the new dynamics created by us all moving outside our comfort zones entails. It shows you as the special person you are, Sim.
Wishing you and our wonderful son-in-law lots of laughter and happiness.
Mum
Wow, Simone. Very inspiring.
I’m from a family of strong atheists, so when I started dating a muslim malay, no one was too impressed. Friends and family were terrified (mainly due to ignorance of his culture and religion).
It’s really a challenging path to take (cross cultural relationships), but you’re spot on when you say humour can make the world of difference. I think that’s one of the main reasons why my boyfriend and I are still together.
Hi Mum,
Thanks for commenting :)
Family support can make all of the difference. And I agree about the comfort zone, only I think of it as expanding it, rather than moving outside of it!
S.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for sharing your story.
Differing religions seem to be one of the things that worry people the most – particularly in the current climate of fear/terrorism/extremism…
Such a shame since celebrating difference was once something that countries like Australia, US etc were so proud of.
Maybe all the world leaders need to attend a laugh fest!
Good luck with your relationship!
We Love who(m?) we love. Love doesn’t know the invisible boundaries that keep people apart.
I agree with you: maybe all the world leaders need to attend a laugh fest! What joy!
Blessings to you and yours,
Robin
Hi Robin,
Thanks for the support!
S.
Great post! Stumbled =)
Thanks :)
S.
Thanks for linking me. Much appreciated. :)
Look for more from you. Keep it up :)
Love & Gratitude,
Tina
Think Simple Now. ~ Clarity & Happiness
You are absolutely right. Especially about the sarcasm part. Me and my girlfriend connect very well on humor but she fails to get some puns/ americanese/ britishesque jokes that I sometimes deliver. Some of these involve sarcasm, but her english is functional and she’s not too eloquent. Also given her culture, I am realizing that some types of jokes she tends to misunderstand or fail to get.
It is helpful though that we are frank about it and quickly cover bases when we notice something like this has occurred. Communication is the key. And from what I’ve noticed, we “clicked” and therefore I feel we end up doing basic emotional communication at a level that transcends language. Devoid of word play, such communication tends to have remarkable honesty and clarity.
It is wonderful.
Good luck to all us cross-cultural lovers.
Thanks for the nice article. I am a Canadian caucasian woman in my early twenties who is dating someone from an Indo-Canadian background. I came to this website after having a conversation with a group of people that left me feeling a bit sad. They don’t believe the relationship will work between us because his family background is too different.
I am of the view that love between individuals is more powerful than divisions created by skin colour, religion, or cultural background.
I would want to say to anybody who comes across this website not to give up on a relationship because other people don’t believe it will work. If you love somebody, don’t give up just because people around you lack faith.
All the best to everyone out there in a cross-cultural relationship.
Simone, a response but on a slight tangent… You’re a great writer! You’re style is thoughtful, lean, engaging with a nice turn of phrase… so great to see good writing – and content – online!Keep creating!
I would definitely agree with the points made in this article. I understand what you are saying about “humor” – it is not just “cracking jokes”, it is your fundamental inner manner of looking at the world and how you react to situations that surpass time, location, and even culture. Humor can hold a cross cultural couple together, but can also break a cross-cultural couple up. I am a white guy from the United States and I have been with a Mexican girl from Mexico for years now. I think we would both say that our relationship is not necessarily a very happy one and that is because of our very different styles of humor. Even though we have both grown over the years to UNDERSTAND our differences in humor and perspectives on the world in an academic sense, I would say that neither one of us truly APPRECIATES the other’s sense of humor. It is kind of like: “I really truly DO understand where you are coming from, and I don’t think it’s bad or good, it’s just not my style and I definitley know you are not my soul mate.”
As has been state by others posting replys here: Good luck to all cross-cultural lovers!!!
Dear Simone,
I am in a cross-cultural, long-distance relationship. He and I have been together for 3 years and have plans for him to come from his home country in South America to the United States in the next 2 years or so. My greatest fear is that the relationship will ultimately fail due to homesickness on his part. In all fairness, I can’t imagine being in his position and leaving my home country, family, and friends for a permanent move. Do you have any advice in terms of that? How did your husband deal with the move from Kosovo? Is it possible to fully adjust and grow comfortable with the new country as if it were your own?
Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
A
PS- I completely agree with your stance on humor, and believe that my connection with my boyfriend, based on our senses of humor, is one of the things that I cherish most about our relationship. Such humor allows us to connect on a much deeper level. Thanks, again.