The Art of Standing Up For Yourself When You Are a Natural-Born Sucker

A friend of mine recently completed a management training course and offered me some insights into my recent business slump.

Not to say that I am forced to play the spoons on the street corner just yet, but a couple of opportunities have recently passed me by.

If an analogy is to be made of my circumstances, I tend to be the one on the see-saw with my feet in the dirt, while others are sitting pretty with the wind in their hair.

The explanation a la management 101?

There is apparently an unholy trio of forces that are out of balance in my life.

They are:

1. POWER (has to be in capitals)
2. Achievement (good news for us completer-finisher types)
3. Affiliations (corporate speak for relationships)

It seems that when these three drivers kick into gear, power must come out on top if I am to be a success in this lifetime.

Achievement-driven folk also do well, getting lots of back slaps and time on the swings, but those of us who spend our days running around trying to build and maintain relationships will ultimately be waiting patiently in line – right up until the bulldozers come in to turn the playground into a strip mall.

Giving into Gravity

It is remarkable easy to be a pushover.

There are plenty of people around willing and able to do the pushing and in many instances good manners and feminine instincts encourage us to back out before the sleeves are rolled up.

But isn’t being a sucker just a matter of perspective?

Are you a pushover if you:

• Negotiate for win-win rather than win-lose?
• Are the first to say you are sorry?
• Expect nothing in return for your good deeds?
• Concede an argument to keep the peace?
• Let others share the spotlight?
• Take a role in life supporting others?
• Don’t always have the final word?

Are not such traits more “stand up” than “suck up”?

Despite the get-to-the-top, take-no-prisoners, win-at-all-costs mentality of many a boardroom – and playground – standing up for yourself does not have to translate into stepping on another.

Getting the Balance Right

I personally think my friend’s assessment of my circumstances was flawed, in that it didn’t acknowledge the great life balance.

Take the see-saw example again.

The power perspective – if neither player is willing to spend time at the bottom, the momentum of the game is lost – not to mention the precarious middle ground that has to be maintained.

The achievement perspective – if the game is all about the amount of time you spend in the air, is 50% of our lives destined to be a disappointment?

The affiliation perspective – if relationships are truly relegated to the bottom of the sandpit, how do we find the counter-balance who will propel us to success?

Three Strategies to Stop the Suck

As a middle-child with a peaceful temperament and a career of civic service behind me, being labeled a “sucker” is not a new experience.

But when you also possess a strong set of values and an overblown sense of justice, learning to stand your ground is essential (unless you are content to wait in line for the swings forever).

My strategies however, are the counter-balance to my friend’s three-point critique:

1. Learn the Positive Power of Saying No

Saying “yes” without justification is the foundation of being a sucker.

If agreeing to something creates a negative environment, it is not only good sense – but a moral imperative – to refuse.

But the art of saying “no” is a difficult one to master. Many women have been raised and praised on making people happy and thus feel like failures when they refuse a request.

And yet saying “no” can be very liberating.

If you suffer from the “bobbing head syndrome”, get into the habit by saying “no” to small things. Focus not on the other person’s reaction, but on deciding what you will do with all of the free time you suddenly find yourself with!

2. Focus on the End Game

When you are achievement-driven (and frankly who isn’t, given that we are a generation raised on gold stars), we strive to get top marks for every milestone in life.

Learning to keep your eye on the horizon can be a challenge. All of those opportunities for praise and recognition are tantalising, but they can also draw us into a vacuum where we exist only to please others.

Are you always the first to raise your hand in a staff meeting? Can your whole family (including those in the opposite hemisphere) rely upon you to drop everything and come running? Does your phone ring night and day with people who just have to get your perspective on the innermost workings of their mind?

If so, consider looking over the top of all of those eager faces and focus on what you really want for a change.

3. Find the Perfect Playmate

A staunch believer in relationship-building as the foundation for success in life, no one will ever convince me that an affiliation vocation is a negative thing.

It is, however, important to surround yourself with like-minded people who will support and nurture your good nature.

And then the next time you are confronted by a bully on the see-saw, you can always go off and take turns pushing each other on the swings!

Tags: achievement, balance, power, Success
Posted in Relationships. Permalink for this post: permalink. If you are a Digg user, please  Digg this post. |  Stumble It If you use use Del.icio.us, then add us in:  Del.icio.us