My husband and I, if reduced to characteristics on a piece of paper, would appear to be polar opposites.

We differ on nationality, religion, language and personality type.

When my parents first heard that their fifth-generation Australian, Catholic, English-teacher daughter was getting married, they no doubt expected that my logical, sensible personality would have directed me into the arms of the “boy next door”.

Instead, I married a Muslim from a small village in Kosova who was fluent in four languages (none of them English) and well versed in war, poverty and discrimination.

On paper he no doubt sounded like a troubled and desperate person that needed rescuing. Certainly more than one insensitive “friend” asked if he wasn’t merely marrying me as a means of escaping his tormented homeland.

But what people quickly came to see was that we had discovered the secret of a cross-cultural relationship: we were bound by an almost identical sense of humour.

The Universal Language of Humour

Whichever way you spell it, humour / humor is universal.

This doesn’t mean that you have to both collapse at Monty Python jokes or start the day with your fingers wedged in each other’s armpits.

Utilising the universal language of humour means communicating on a fundamental, positive level.

Think of the last time you were in a cinema or a lecture or a church and something tickled your funny bone. Can you remember that moment when you met the eyes of a humour soul-mate? The connection is almost unmatchable. In that moment you are sharing something that is both very personal and very positive.

Shared humour is a recognition of shared experience and understanding.

Have you ever seen a pair of teenagers roll their eyes when a parent stares in bewilderment at a TV show, demanding, “What’s so funny?” The reality is that the parent doesn’t “get it” and the teenagers feel empowered by their shared, exclusive experience and understanding.

On a cultural level, sharing a sense of humour often means viewing the world in a similar way.

This is because your value system is embedded in your reactions to the world and its stories.

To give a cross-cultural relationship a firm foundation, you need to explore the way in which you both view the world. If you find laughter in similar things, you have a platform from which you can communicate in a positive way, every day.

Laughter Makes the World Go Round

Tina Su at Think Simple. Be Decisive in her article “The Art of Smiling”, offers a comprehensive list of ways to bring a smile into your life.

She offers a smile-inducing formula for a real smile: Genuine Smile = Crinkly Eyes

If you are still not convinced, consider the personal benefits of laughter.

Laughing:

• engages almost every major part of your body;
• convulses and gives your organs a much-needed massage, stimulating circulation and enhancing general wellbeing;
• ultimately lowers heart rate and blood pressure;
• increases oxygen intake. When we laugh, we gulp in air so that the oxygen moves a lot faster to already relaxed muscles;
• balances the left and right sides of the brain;
• releases the body’s natural opiates and pain reliever, beta-endorphins; and
• stimulates the thymus gland, responsible for the immune system.

Yet many successful writers and comic talents agree that humour has a dark side.

To Virginia Woolf, “The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder” and Mark Twain said, “The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.”

But I believe that humour applied with a loving hand is a force stronger than gravity in a troubled world.

Bridging the Cultural Gap

Cross-cultural relationships are often beset by challenges.

Not everyone understands the motives behind such a relationship or appreciates the bonds that a cross-cultural couple shares.

The extended community can be slow to accept or sometimes totally opposed to the union.

There can also be difficulties associated with immigration, homesickness, and on a very personal level, culture shock. Just because you love a person does not mean that you completely understand them.

When all else seems to be against you, the power of laughter cannot be underestimated.

My husband and I have “done it tough” in many ways. Despite the love we share, the commitment to common goals and the support of our friends and family, a cross-cultural relationship often has a few extra sides and surfaces that conflict can adhere to.

Consider all of the issues that divide cultures: the views on politics, race, war, crime, women, sexuality and so on. A culture is sewn together by the fabric of these beliefs. What may seem absurd to one community is a cultural norm to another.

Drop these different and sometimes opposing issues down into the microcosm of a marriage and it is inevitable that sparks will fly.

But it is how you deal with these issues that determines the success of your relationship. Why not view them with humour, I say?

Smile and the Whole World Smiles with You

Let me clarify what I mean by “humour” for those who may be thinking that I am making light of weighty issues.

That is exactly what I am doing.

Laughter alleviates the pressures of our complex world.

But I do have some cautionary suggestions about the use of humour in a cross-cultural relationship. They are:

1.Be Gentle

Humour is a gentle way of letting people know your point of view.

It is not about power or division. Treat humour like a wild bird – handle it with care and it is a thing of beauty, but a heavy-handed approach will send it out of control.

2. Avoid Sarcasm

My husband had to come to Australia to learn about sarcasm.

In his culture it simply doesn’t exist. In my culture it was the foundation stone of every teenager rebellion and the weapon of every disgruntled worker – “Don’t you know that safety in the workplace is more important to the boss than productivity…”

Sarcasm really is the lowest form of wit. There is a disconnect between the head and heart when you use sarcasm – avoid at all costs.

3.Respect Taboos

Some things really are are out of bounds.

Recognise the boundaries early – they may surprise you – and do not cross them.

It is not worth taking the risk that your humorous approach will hurt your partner. On these subjects, stick to more conventional forms of communication.

It’s a balmy night in Barcelona, Spain. A weary backpacker is looking for a bench to rest on.

Home – where her heart is – seems very far away. But she is suddenly assailed by a wave of frustration…

Why?

For two reasons:

1. She cannot find a vacant bench anywhere in the city; and
2. Every bench is taken by a couple locked in a PDA.

Before any tech-obsessives wonder how this could cause such frustration, let me clarify the PDA…

The Wonders of the PDA

The PDA is not the Personal Digital Assistant, tucked away in your pocket like a permanent and adoring friend.

The PDA of my generation is a Public Display of Affection.

Long before people stroked their Blackberry, they were engaged in a far more personal connection.

The Public Display of Affection, mocked by school-children and avoided by commitment-phobes, is described by Wikipedia as “the physical demonstration of affection for another person while in the view of others.”

To my way of thinking, the PDA – assuming it is neither indecent nor sexually harassing – is a way of spreading the love.

But like the acid wash jeans and blue-light discos of my youth, PDAs seem to have somehow become unnecessary.

Bring Back the PDA

In recent years the PDA seems to have morphed into something darker.

Affection has been suppressed and now people cling to each other in public not to share the love, but in Public Displays of Aggression.

Other people seem to view the PDA with horror, the approaching hand or proffered lips seen as a sort of Proximity Danger Alert.

They duck and weave and glare at their loved ones, or avoid the issue altogether by wearing face-enveloping sunglasses and by carrying small dogs and over-sided carry bags.

The Fall of the Flirt

The passing of the PDA has also seen the fall of the flirt.

Princeton University has once again disturbed me with its definitions.

The definition of “flirt”, it tells me, is:

• a seductive woman who uses her sex appeal to exploit men
• to talk or behave amorously, without serious intentions
• playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest
• to behave carelessly or indifferently

Perhaps I am a romantic at heart, but flirtation to me is less about sex and more about a mental connection.

I’m not talking about librarians exchanging lingering looks over dusty books, but about the spark, the scintillation, as familiar as it is provocative.

Ever been stuck in an elevator with an attractive man? – then you know what I am talking about!

Give Me Some Skin

Stranger sex – and online love – may have killed both the flirt and the PDA.

In my article Love Online: Why Relationships are Ending With a Click, I described a relationship in which the young couple had never actually spoken a word face-to-face.

It was easier, the young girl told me, to keep everything at arm’s length. Preferring her lover’s profile to him in person, she turned to a statue when they actually met.

This social disconnection seems to be only accentuated by the belief that love – and the physical evidence of this emotion – is something that can be done with anyone, anytime.

Casual sex – a form of disconnected, distant affection – is something discussed on mobile phones on packed buses, but holding hands is frowned upon.

It seems to me that what we are missing – and yet what millions seem to be pursuing through online dating services – is the personal touch.

Reach Out and Touch Someone

The Free Hugs Campaign is doing its bit to restore the balance.

Juan Mann, a fellow Australia, kicked off this social phenomenon when he felt like “a tourist in my hometown.”

While I prefer my affection to come from those I know and love, I’m not about to begrudge a man who stands in a public mall and begs for personal human contact.

And if you were in touch with your average Australian male, you would appreciate exactly how far out Juan was putting himself by pursuing this course of action.

People Demand Action

Who have you touched today?

Forget the smiley faces dotted on your emails. Who have you physically reached out and touched?

I often work from home.

The old banter of the office – the arm punches, the shoulder pats, the slapping on the back after one too many drinks at the Sundowner (clearly I was in a male-dominated industry) – are a thing of a past.

So I am challenging myself to find other ways to physically connect with people.

Since commencing on this mission I have hugged my estranged aunt, held hands with my husband right across the city, kissed more cheeks than a French model and driven my cats almost into therapy… but I’m a lot happier!

The message is simple: Let’s Practice Daily Affection… and see if we can get a little more happiness into the world.