Just as every fisherman has a tale of the monster fish that escaped his line, so do most women have a story of the special man that got away.

As Pink so aptly puts it:

There’s always one that gets away
The one that sneaks up on you that slips away

Perhaps he chose another or the stars were crossed against you – what lingers in every case is a sense of possibility unfulfilled.

As we become more confident and proactive in selecting our partners, it can be difficult for women to find that we are not in control of our love life.

In some ways we are probably just experiencing what every man has suffered since the dawn of time: you can’t always get what you want.

This can be a very disturbing realisation. After all, don’t we live in a culture that tells us we can have anything we want, as long as we are prepared to chase it?

Combined with a common belief that “The One” is wandering out there somewhere, with only our heart etched on his sleeve, the realisation of lost love can feel like a death blow.

But rather than becoming the walking wounded, dragging the ghost of an old love behind, there are some very real and practical things we can do to let go of the one who got away.

(Unrequited) Love is All Around Us

I am a victim of unrequited love – or I was before I met my husband and got on with living a very happy life with him.

While the thought of my lost love still plucks very softly at my heart strings – and causes my husband’s temple vein to beat slightly more ominously – it is more the memory of the time and place that I cherish. There is nothing quite as wonderful as those day of giddy, unexpected love, after all.

But such feelings are far from unique. The world around us is stuffed full of examples of unrequited – or lost – love.

1. In Music

1. “Layla” was inspired by Eric Clapton’s then-unrequited love for Pattie Boyd, the wife of his friend George Harrison.
2. “Jessie’s Girl”, Rick Springfield’s 1981 hit song, involved a man in love with his best friend’s girlfriend.
3. U2’s magnificent “All I Want Is You,” is accompanied by a dramatic music video recounting the tale of a circus troupe where a dwarf is in love with a trapeze artist.
4. Chris Isaak’s evocative “Wicked Game,” “Can’t Do A Thing To Stop Me”, “Somebody’s Crying” and “Don’t Make Me Dream About You” are all about unrequited love – not to mention the fact that I have a life-long crush on the man (only further inflamed by getting to hug him this year when he performed in concert on my birthday!)
5. James Blunt’s, “You’re Beautiful,” includes the lyric: “But it’s time to face the truth, I will never be with you” and was written about an ex-girlfriend whom he saw in a London tube station.
6. Radiohead’s 1993 hit “Creep” says it all.
7. English legends The Smiths give the subject their own twist in great songs such as “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” and “I Want The One I Can’t Have”.
8. Nick Cave in “I Let Love In”, bares it all with the lyric: “Despair and deception, love’s ugly little twins, I let love in, I let love in.”

2. In Literature

1. The classic French play “Cyrano de Bergerac”, by Edmond Rostand, is about a brilliant swordsman and poet who is in unrequited love with his cousin for decades.
2. Charles Dickens’ tackles the theme in “Great Expectations”, manifested mostly in the character of Pip and his affections for Estella.
3. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby”, sees the main character Jay Gatsby try unsuccessfully to lure back his former lover Daisy Buchanan.
4. Heathcliff, the epitome of the brooding man, in Emily Brontë’s “Wuthering Heights” suffers through a complex relationship with Catherine Earnshaw.
5. Victor Hugo’s famous “Les Misérables” features the tangled relationship of Eponine and Grantaire.

Loosening the Noose of Lost Love

While we all feel a little better after indulging in some epic lost love stories, the reality is that letting go of the one that got away requires firm action.

Here are some strategies to help loosen the death grip on your emotional happiness:

1. Face up to the Change

Any change causes us to initially resist. We feel shock, denial, blame and uncertainty, but ultimately we need to work towards reaching acceptance.

This is a very firm action – you cannot accept a change if you continue to surround yourself with the symbols of your former state. Box up mementos, take a break from mutual friends, change your routine and immerse yourself in new experiences.

Don’t lose sight of your reason for doing so – you are actively moving on to a more positive place – and congratulate yourself on every step forward.

Soon you will lose count of the number of steps you have taken.

2. De-personalise Departure

One of those emotions that we tend to direct towards ourselves when a love goes away is blame.

Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed? Been more? Been less?

In many cases the decision is not only out of our hands, but also has little to do with our actions. Some people simply move on. Others simply cannot bear to stay.

De-personalising the departure of a loved one is essential, because even if he did leave because of your obsession with cleaning the fridge, the decision to leave was still his to make.

Instead of burning your rubber gloves and despairing over what might have been, focus your energies on the new opportunities his departure has presented.

3. Recognise New Opportunities

As you embark on your new life (without he-who-will-not-be-named), actively look for and pursue new opportunities.

As I outlined in my pillar article “How to Recognise an Opportunity When it Comes Knocking” most people become either a Welcome Mat or a Do Not Disturb Sign when a new opportunity presents itself.

But to become an Opportunity Expert you need to develop an antenna tuned to new possibilities.

One of the key strengths of such an approach is that you come to recognise that every encounter with another human being is a potential opportunity – and another step closer to letting go.

4. Desist and Detest

A fairly controversial strategy, this is about no longer gazing at the shrine of his photos with misty eyes and instead injecting a bit of anger into your reminiscing.

It can be very easy to romanticise our memories. We focus on all the good things lost to us – his clever quips and cute quirks that won our hearts. Soon our heartache intensifies, for not only have we lost our partner – but the best partner ever to have walked the face of the earth.

Stopping this process is important. Balance your hero-worship with a good dose of reality. He wasn’t very nice to your friends or he never complimented you on your looks.

We all have things that get under our skin about our men – when they choose to walk away is a good time to dig them out and remind ourselves of them!

5. Ignore the Cliche

I am a firm believer that “Mr Right” is often “Mr Right Now”.

The myth of “The One” belongs is storybooks – a person truly open and committed to love and life experience has many opportunities for meeting a soul-mate.

After all, relationships only really being at the point of Happily Ever After and despite the hype, they are as much about hard work and dedication as they are lingering looks and walks on the beach.

If the love you have lost was “The One”, take heart, for you know what makes you happy and can go out there with a clear idea of how to get more of it!

6. Trust in the Cliche

Just to be contrary, other cliches get a vote of support.

Time really does heal all wounds… and just like the fisherman bemoaning the monster fish that got away – remember that it is a universal truth that there are always plenty more fish in the sea!