My mum once told me there are two ingredients to the perfect house guest: they don’t create work for you and they don’t cost you money.

At the time I was tending house for a menagerie of house guests – but as they were half-naked, plastic and mute, the lesson went straight over my head.

The tea party I was throwing for the inhabitants of my doll’s house ate off empty plates and were left, when I eventually grew bored, in a pile in the corner by the cardboard oven.

Rather than being overly needy, they took my immature hostess skills with good grace, given that more than one head had become separated from their body before the second course.

Ah, the carelessness of youth!

And yet in the real world of festive family holidays, the pressures, costs and commitments of Christmas can cause goodwill to dry up quicker than over-cooked turkey.

So as family, friends and vague acquaintances from far-flung places gather around the Christmas table, there are some rules than can be agreed upon to sustain the Bing Crosby atmosphere.

1. Don’t Try to Tell the Man with the Knife in His Hand How to Carve the Turkey

In most parts of the world the male head of the house no longer has the responsibility of going out and shooting the turkey. Forced to wear a festive paper hat and to sing along to carols sung by pre-pubescent boy choirs, his masculinity may be a little worn out by the time it comes to carving the bird. Ponder the hard trek made by the three wise men through the desert to the first official Christmas and let him retreat to the kitchen to spend an inordinate amount of time sharpening his good knives.

2. Don’t Put on a Santa Suit and Lose all your Inhibitions

Some of the Santas I have encountered strike me as close cousins to the clown characters from horror films. Certainly in my part of the world polyester red suits can induce heat-stroke before the second “ho” and perhaps this is the reason for the melting of inhibitions. Just remember if it is your turn to don the beard and boots that we all actually remember who you really are inside the fat suit – and pinching and lewd comments are best left in your sack.

3. Don’t Eat the Plastic Fruit (or Drink the Water from the Finger Bowls)

Not everything on the table is for eating. If you can’t tell the difference between the Christmas dinner and the centrepiece, stick to what is physically on your plate. And just because the hostess and her three sisters all fought over who was doing dessert, does not mean you need to sample each of their offerings.

4. Don’t Let the Cook Pull on the Rubber Gloves

This is a universal rule that should not be confined to Christmas. Remember that it is a shared holiday, which means everyone should have some down time. If the hostess is breathing like a whipped reindeer before the second course, roll up your sleeves and lend a hand.

5. Don’t Discuss New Years Resolutions – Especially While You Light Up a Cigarette and Lick the Egg Nog Bowl

Christmas Resolutions are about as meaningful as the jokes that come with the paper hats, particularly if you are in the process of indulging in a fair few of the Deadly Sins. And as you look back over the year, indulging in a bit of “coulda shoulda woulda” over the egg nog can also put a bit of a dampener on the festivities, so keep things light and positive. You’ve got all of January to wallow in your insecurities!

REMEMBER to take up the Christmas Scavenger Hunt Challenge and win yourself an iPod for Christmas!