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A friend of mine recently completed a management training course and offered me some insights into my recent business slump.

Not to say that I am forced to play the spoons on the street corner just yet, but a couple of opportunities have recently passed me by.

If an analogy is to be made of my circumstances, I tend to be the one on the see-saw with my feet in the dirt, while others are sitting pretty with the wind in their hair.

The explanation a la management 101?

There is apparently an unholy trio of forces that are out of balance in my life.

They are:

1. POWER (has to be in capitals)
2. Achievement (good news for us completer-finisher types)
3. Affiliations (corporate speak for relationships)

It seems that when these three drivers kick into gear, power must come out on top if I am to be a success in this lifetime.

Achievement-driven folk also do well, getting lots of back slaps and time on the swings, but those of us who spend our days running around trying to build and maintain relationships will ultimately be waiting patiently in line - right up until the bulldozers come in to turn the playground into a strip mall.

Giving into Gravity

It is remarkable easy to be a pushover.

There are plenty of people around willing and able to do the pushing and in many instances good manners and feminine instincts encourage us to back out before the sleeves are rolled up.

But isn’t being a sucker just a matter of perspective?

Are you a pushover if you:

• Negotiate for win-win rather than win-lose?
• Are the first to say you are sorry?
• Expect nothing in return for your good deeds?
• Concede an argument to keep the peace?
• Let others share the spotlight?
• Take a role in life supporting others?
• Don’t always have the final word?

Are not such traits more “stand up” than “suck up”?

Despite the get-to-the-top, take-no-prisoners, win-at-all-costs mentality of many a boardroom - and playground - standing up for yourself does not have to translate into stepping on another.

Getting the Balance Right

I personally think my friend’s assessment of my circumstances was flawed, in that it didn’t acknowledge the great life balance.

Take the see-saw example again.

The power perspective - if neither player is willing to spend time at the bottom, the momentum of the game is lost - not to mention the precarious middle ground that has to be maintained.

The achievement perspective - if the game is all about the amount of time you spend in the air, is 50% of our lives destined to be a disappointment?

The affiliation perspective - if relationships are truly relegated to the bottom of the sandpit, how do we find the counter-balance who will propel us to success?

Three Strategies to Stop the Suck

As a middle-child with a peaceful temperament and a career of civic service behind me, being labeled a “sucker” is not a new experience.

But when you also possess a strong set of values and an overblown sense of justice, learning to stand your ground is essential (unless you are content to wait in line for the swings forever).

My strategies however, are the counter-balance to my friend’s three-point critique:

1. Learn the Positive Power of Saying No

Saying “yes” without justification is the foundation of being a sucker.

If agreeing to something creates a negative environment, it is not only good sense - but a moral imperative - to refuse.

But the art of saying “no” is a difficult one to master. Many women have been raised and praised on making people happy and thus feel like failures when they refuse a request.

And yet saying “no” can be very liberating.

If you suffer from the “bobbing head syndrome”, get into the habit by saying “no” to small things. Focus not on the other person’s reaction, but on deciding what you will do with all of the free time you suddenly find yourself with!

2. Focus on the End Game

When you are achievement-driven (and frankly who isn’t, given that we are a generation raised on gold stars), we strive to get top marks for every milestone in life.

Learning to keep your eye on the horizon can be a challenge. All of those opportunities for praise and recognition are tantalising, but they can also draw us into a vacuum where we exist only to please others.

Are you always the first to raise your hand in a staff meeting? Can your whole family (including those in the opposite hemisphere) rely upon you to drop everything and come running? Does your phone ring night and day with people who just have to get your perspective on the innermost workings of their mind?

If so, consider looking over the top of all of those eager faces and focus on what you really want for a change.

3. Find the Perfect Playmate

A staunch believer in relationship-building as the foundation for success in life, no one will ever convince me that an affiliation vocation is a negative thing.

It is, however, important to surround yourself with like-minded people who will support and nurture your good nature.

And then the next time you are confronted by a bully on the see-saw, you can always go off and take turns pushing each other on the swings!

A very wise friend of mine once said that the secret to sustaining a successful relationship was in recognising the benefits of a threesome.

While I tried hard not to choke on my wine or to catch the eye of her husband, she explained that she wasn’t talking about a third person, but a third entity.

As she put it, in her marriage there was herself, her husband and then the third entity, which was the relationship itself.

Many of her friends, she went on, had taken the preservation of the relationship to an art-form.

They had invested huge amounts of time and energy to the relationship, often to the detriment of their own personal growth and happiness.

Their needs - right to the core of their identity - had taken back-seat to the perceived needs of the relationship.

The Poor Relation

Women are naturally more focused on the third entity than men.

Go into any coffee shop and you will hear a woman chatting about her “relationship” as if it is at home, minding the kids. We are also often the first to identify when our relationship is feeling off-colour, and are the quickest to leap to its defense when others question its health.

But certainly a really healthy relationship needs to be fed from two positive and fertile sources.

Recognising the specific requirements of the relationship - a sense of common purpose, a spirit of compromise, and so on - is essential. Yet my friend would argue that this third entity is of no greater value or importance than either herself or her husband.

A really successful relationship, it stands to reason, is where a couple, as individuals and as a unit, are all in perfect balance.

One Plus One Makes Three

We are programmed to pursue personal health, happiness and prosperity and when we commit to a relationship, we sign up to support our partner’s pursuit of these same goals.

Yet in many ways a long-term relationship is an unnatural way to live.

Entwining the pathways of our life and then spending the majority of our time, energy and emotion on one other person is a challenge. It is debatable if this kind of long-term unity was ever even intended within our biological make-up.

But biology aside, it is in our cultural constitution to make commitments and work hard to stick to them.

As my friend pointed out, many of us commit more to our relationships than to any other aspect of our lives.

But even in the most dedicated of relationships, independence and personal space may often feel under siege and as we grow and change over the years, it can be even more difficult to walk in time to the same beat.

• Q. So how do two very different people - with continually evolving interests, activities and relationships that may have nothing in common with their partner’s - manage to keep their relationship healthy, happy and prosperous?
• A. By recognising that the third entity - the relationship - is not about expecting a round peg to morph into a square, simply because their partner is all sharp lines and angles.

Simply put, a circle and a square - an extroverted, intuitive woman and her introverted, logical man - should not be required to fit into the same hole.

Instead, the relationship should reflect the similarities that exist between them until it takes on a shape somewhere between the two…

The Three Rs

Let’s consider successful relationships outside the home.

Business partners often forge and uphold a commitment to financially, emotionally and socially support each other.

It is in their mutual interests, however, to not only preserve their relationship, but to recognise, respect and reward their individual roles and responsibilities.

Ultimately, the success of their partnership depends on their individual ability to contribute.

But how often do we apply the same rationale to our personal relationships?

• Do we allow our partners to grow and change, or do we expect them to bend more towards our own needs and expectations as the years roll by?
• Do we recognise their personal achievements, or do we feel threatened by the things they accomplish that we do not influence or contribute to?

If we were to adopt a similar philosophy of keeping the three entities in our personal relationships in balance, we might try to remember and apply the Three Relationship Rs:

1. Recognise your needs - Honestly identify and assess what is most important to you. Look at yourself in isolation of your relationship and work out what you need most to grow and prosper. Be aware that some of these needs may have been put in moth-balls for a number of years, but take the time to dig them out and see if they still have merit.

2. Respect your differences - Just as dressing alike is best limited to childhood, insisting upon living identical lives can restrict and stunt a relationship. Instead, revel in your differences as they can given added dimensions to your relationship. Rather than trying to change your partner to reflect your own interests or ambitions, invoke a spirit of compromise and acceptance.

3. Reward your achievements - It is highly likely that your strengths and skills are different to your partner’s, but both should be equally valued. We all function best when our efforts are rewarded, so create opportunities for you both to feel appreciated. Also indulge in the skills you both share, so that your relationship is strengthened through mutual accomplishment.

Keeping the “3 Rs” as the foundation of our relationship allows for a solid and balanced platform upon which all three entities can grow and prosper in harmony.