Love Online: Why Relationships are Ending with a Click

You know that line from the T.S. Eliot poem, “The world ends not with a bang but a whimper”?

Could it be possible that modern relationships aren’t even getting that far, with many terminating with nothing but the gentlest of mouse clicks?

Talking to a friend’s sixteen-year-old daughter, a casual discussion about her “love life” led to some disturbing discoveries about love online.

While she enthusiastically recounted wonderful conversations, brilliant games and exciting holiday plans that she had shared with the man of the moment, when I asked about actual times, places and dates she became strangely subdued.

Finally she admitted that things were fine online…but the pair had never spoken a word face-to-face.

Single White Female, Looking for Committed Texter

I could see that she was upset by this fact and encouraged her to talk about it.

This is what she had to say about a young girl discovering love online:

• When we are actually in the same room, we have nothing to talk about.
• I feel so embarrassed when he looks me in the eye that I have to look away.
• Talking to someone face-to-face is a lot of hard work.
• It’s much better to rehearse and edit what you want to say.
• If I see a guy in person, I get so nervous I just tell him to text me.

It was my turn to become subdued. This list of concerns seemed to have overwhelmed her. When I asked her if she had worked through any of these issues with a special guy, she looked at me as if I had suggested she bungee jump off a building without a rope. Oh no. She and her girlfriends had decided to take another tact.

They are only going to have relationships with guys who are really good texters.

As I tried desperately to find an appropriately G-rated comment, she added with wide-eyed sincerity, “People are just so much nicer in their profiles, than in person.”

Forget about Mr Right, or even his brother Mr Right Now.

Many of today’s young women, it seems, are only developing relationships with Mr Right Click.

You Have Mail

It’s a given that modern forms of communication like the mobile and the Internet are incredibly efficient and accessible for teens.

But they also distance users from both other people and reality.

• How many of you out there now prefer to get a text than a phone call?
• How many of you have been “dumped” or broken off a friendship via email?
• Who has a username that is slightly mysterious or fanciful?
• Whose avatar is reflective of a component of of their fertile, inner person rather than their yearbook photo…(or is everyone out there really a superhero with a name usually reserved for birds of prey..?)

As a teenager I had a number of pen-pals, and even exchanged some infatuated letters.

Protected by the physical distance such communication allowed, I could speak openly and honestly about a whole range of topics. I didn’t need to worry about my voice catching in my throat or the spinach lodged in my braces. I wasn’t distracted by having to interpret the body language signals that ping off adolescent males like alien transmissions.

But most of these pen-pals lived in highly accessible places like Finland and Columbia and it was unlikely that our paths would cross at the local fish and chip shop.

So, like desperate teenagers everywhere, I had to “put myself out there”.

This was painful, yes, with lots of embarrassing moments where I suddenly lost the ability to speak English or where I tripped over a floral pattern on the carpet.

But I survived and even learned to ride that thrilling wave that lifts you relentlessly towards the most humiliating of moments, only to have the object of your affection smile at you and say the most perfect thing.

This - any young readers out there - is a phenomenon called “dating”.

Beyond the Pick Up Line

Dating is ultimately about communication.

If you examine those rare creatures who can turn the most horrific dating experience into a smashing success, you will usually find that they are great communicators.

I have a friend who has dated widely and successfully for a number of years. She has her fair share of cringe-worthy moments, but instead of taking a mishap as a personal affront, she looks at it as a challenge and does everything in her power to make it work out.

This includes applying some of the basic rules of effective communication.

Here are six of the principles for communicating effectively, that I have applied to a dating scenario for any face-to-face first-timers:

1. Know Your Audience - if your online exchanges have been truthful, you probably already know a lot about your date. Prove this by asking questions about some of their interests. Encourage them to learn more about you by sharing some personal stories or insights. Focus on the story, not on your sweaty palms and before you know it you will be conversing faster than you could ever touch type!
2. Know your Purpose - be clear about why you are spending time with this person. If you have been honest about your intentions online, then this should be a breeze. Even say upfront what you want to get out of the date, so there are no crossed wires.
3. Know your Topic - on a date, your topic is simple: you and the person you are spending time with. Come prepared to talk, even if you have to rehearse some anecdotes before you go. Years later when you’re sitting together in the old people’s home looking back on fifty years of marriage you can laugh about the cue cards you took in your pocket on your first date!
4. Anticipate misunderstandings - face-to-face communication with anybody is open to miscommunication. Expect that you will disagree on things or that you might not express your thoughts as clearly as the wonderful essays you construct online. Learn to clarify your views and to laugh off disagreements.
5. Communicate a little at a time - short dates are often good dates! You can also restrict the conversation by going to a movie or game where body language can do most of the work.
6. Present information in several ways - face-to-face communication is only one form of expression. Texting, phone calls, emails, letters are all excellent ways to communicate - they just shouldn’t be the only ways!

Reading Between the (Blog)Lines

Ultimately what makes us great communicators is our ability to read other people.

With body language making up so much of the communication we share with others, it is essential that we encourage our young people to develop the skills of reading other people’s emotions and intentions.

But it seems to me that in the case of my young friend this has been taken literally, with a focus upon reading, rather than engaging with the people around her.

As a writer and teacher and avid reader, I urge people to keep reading and to explore the way other people present themselves on paper.

But if more than a one-dimensional understanding is your goal, then put the mobile and mouse aside and communicate with the person, rather than the profile.

The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.
George Bernard Shaw

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