Long Distance Love: When Romance is Put on Hold

I have had a very rocky relationship with the telephone.

When my husband and I were first married, we had a delightful four weeks together immediately after the wedding and then it was twelve months before we saw each other again.

It’s true - I have the phone bills to prove it!

Due to the complexity of our immigration case and the trials of my corporate job, we were apart for the first year of our marriage.

My sister moved in to support me and every night I would undertake a strange, dependent relationship with the other occupant of the house - the telephone.

From the heights of a honeymoon to the depths of an engaged dial tone, long distance love has far greater power than your in-laws to put the romance of your relationship on hold.

Leave Me Hanging on the Telephone

There is no greater symbol of long-distance love than the telephone. It can be both a tangible connection to your loved one and a cold, impersonal device that refuses to obey your commands.

For me it took on the persona of an enormous black toad.

It would eye me suspiciously as I found excuses to walk past it every few minutes.

When it finally did croak to life I never knew if it would transform into my much-loved prince or a call centre telemarketer trying to sell me garage doors.

A phone turned mute is a hideous betrayal. It can come to embody all the doubts and misunderstandings of your relationship.

But long-distance romance does not only reside in the telephone receiver.

The challenge is to create a reality that you and your partner share, in which the distance that separates you is merely one aspect of your relationship.

Finding ways to keep the romance fresh and thriving is the second - and greater - challenge!

Decoding the Dial Tone

The six basic rules of communication, outlined in “Love Online: Why Relationships Are Ending With a Click“, still apply when your relationship is long-distance:

1. Know Your Audience
2. Know your Purpose
3. Know your Topic
4. Anticipate misunderstandings
5. Communicate a little at a time
6. Present information in several ways

But how do you transform simple communication into a romantic exchange when there is an ocean between you?

The hardest thing about long distance love is the loss of the physical. And before you smirk knowingly, I mean the intimacy of non-verbal communication.

Words can deceive and tone can be misinterpreted, but body language communicates meaning on another level.

Without this powerful interaction, the language of love can be as stilted and cold as the prim British voice informing you that your phone card credit has just expired.

The Long-Distance Love Survival Guide

So here are some tips on how the distance that separates you can actually bring you closer together:

• Write Love Letters - Letter writing is far more tangible and precious than either emails or text messages. They are creased by your own hands and they carry your scent. It is also more difficult to plan and edit your letter, often resulting in more honest communication.

  Remember to take the time to buy beautiful paper. Splurge on a special pen. Make it an experience you enjoy and that reflects the time and energy your relationship deserves.

• Make the Most of Local Love - Enlist your friends and family to keep the feeling of love alive. Don’t relegate your relationship to the “same old, same old” pile, but talk about it as if your partner just walked out the door.

  Visit the old haunts and stay in touch with his friends to ensure he remains a tangible part of your life.

• Create your own Rituals - Just because you are not face-to-face shouldn’t stop you from adding depth and substance to your relationship.

  Exchange riddles or dares, make one night a week marathon phone-call night, send silly postcards from local tourist traps or create your own long-distance language that includes special words that only you and your partner understand.

  Keep things fresh and fun and the relationship will thrive.

• Keep Your Feet on the Ground - It can be very liberating to be able to indulge in whispered words of love, but it is important to balance the fantasy with everyday discussions as well.

  Once reunited, the mundane will also have a place in your relationship. Keep each other informed of things at work, in your family and in your community. When he returns you will slip more easily back into your “real life” together.

• Keep your Perspective - It is easy to lose your balance when you rely upon a government utility to bring you closer to your loved one. As in my case, you can become obsessed with the phone that never rings.

  Don’t look for hidden messages in the static or try to read between the lines of your partner’s letters. Trust in the relationship and be honest and upfront about your doubts.

• Protect Your Personal Space - It is also important to not let your partner’s absence take over your life. Don’t put important things on hold. Consult him on the big decisions, but make sure your own growth and identity keeps evolving.

  Remember that he will be changing and growing and it will strengthen your relationship if you have your own new experiences to share.

• Recognise Your Loss - You need to be very honest about the gap that exists because of your loved one’s absence. Like any change in your life, recognise its existence and plan for the challenges it brings.

  Also recognise what he is missing out on. There may be times when he is homesick or he misses an important event. Keep him in the loop, but tread gently when you share important news that will make him feel a long way from home.

• Avoid the Substitute Partner - By transferring all of your emotional needs onto a friend of the opposite sex, you are setting someone up for a fall. Crying on the shoulder of a friend is understandable, but turning that person into a substitute partner threatens both your friendship and your long-distance relationship.

  Share your needs amongst your friends and family and reserve your more intimate interactions for your partner.

• Expect to be Disappointed - As deflating as this may sound, it is important to prepare yourself for anti-climax. All that energy you devoted to planning and dreaming and wishing for the moment of your reunion cannot possibly be sustained once the event has occurred.

  You will both have changed, you will feel a little out-of-step with each other and the old intimacy may succumb to the strangeness of the situation.

  Take heart. Eventually you will get back in your rhythm and if you continue to speak openly about your feelings and needs, your relationship will be stronger than ever.

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