Keeping the Peace: How to Mediate Like a Middle Child

Being born a middle child can sometimes be a lonely road – after all, who ever heard of a referee having friends?

The reality is that many middle children are programmed, almost from the birth of their second sibling, to grow up to be effective mediators.

Eldest children will argue that they have the raw deal – all that responsibility and power and superior strength is obviously a curse.

The youngest child will claim that they are hardest done by, for how can they do anything different or special when they are walking in two sets of footsteps, parental hands supporting and cleaning up their messes all the way through life..?

But let’s be honest – there is a very good reason first place is in the middle of the winner’s dais…

Not only are we able to keep our siblings from garroting each other with their medals, but it is the moment when we can step up and receive recognition for eternally keeping the peace.

The Meat Makes the Sandwich

The reality is that many middle-children are the glue that holds the family together.

While the bread can sit at either end of the table, arms crossed and backs turned, the meat cannot help but try to reassemble the sandwich.

And so often the middle child is flavoured with a little bit of each of their siblings, giving the whole sandwich a common flavour.

While studies suggest that the make-up of middle children is the most varied and contradictory of all the birth positions, there are some shared characteristics that you might recognise:

1. Natural People Skills – Middle children are often people-oriented, with a genuine interest in human relationships.
2. A free spirit – Despite the responsibilities that go with the birth position, the middle child is often full of new ideas and independent thought.
3. Leadership qualities – Middle children often make excellent managers and leaders because they understand how to compromise and negotiate. They are usually good at finding and exploiting mutual interests.
4. Art of Expression – All that mediation helps develop strong communication skills, but middle children are also excellent listeners.
5. Support of individuality – middle children rarely make comparisons between people as they have often been exposed to judgments of their abilities, appearance and interests from a young age. This encourages an interest in individuality and a determination to undercover the uniqueness in others.
6. Meaningful relationships – Strong social skills and a moderate temperament ensure a wide network of friends, but middle children can be prone to spreading themselves too thinly. A few meaningful relationships work best.

Nine Steps to Letting Your Middle Child Take Centre Stage

Despite your birth position, you have probably recognised some or all of the above characteristics in your own personal make-up.

The reality is we all have a middle-child somewhere inside us.

When it comes to mediation, this is the persona it is best to unleash.

The goal of mediation is to create a spirit of understanding and collaboration, in the mutual task of finding a reasonable resolution of a conflict.

Whether the dispute is between colleagues, friends, family or neighbours, there is always a need for a mediating influence.

In my life as a middle sister, as well as a people manager, teacher and trainer, I have often flexed by mediation muscles.

Here are some tips on how to let your middle child do what they are best at:

1. Manage Expectations – Let each party know what can be achieved through the process. Find out what their expectations are and be honest about the likelihood of achieving them.

   If both expect the other to take full responsibility for the conflict, you will have not one but two disappointed people on your hands!

2. Prepare each Player – Follow up after discussing their expectations by giving them a status report on the other person’s point of view. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding… but do not bring the parties together unless they are both prepared to hear each other’s viewpoint.

   It may also be appropriate to set some ground rules. This means taking them through each step and getting their commitment to adhere to the process, not throwing the policy manual at them and leaving them to it!

3. Protect their Trust - As a mediator, you walk the fine line between sharing information and betraying a trust. Without their belief in your ability to see both sides and to protect their interests, you will lose what influence you have and potentially make the conflict worse.

   If you are unsure about whether something should be made public, keep quiet and gently encourage the parties to bring it to the table themselves.

4. Be Real – You must genuinely want to help resolve the conflict. If they feel that you are just going through the motions or have no real interest in the outcome they will distance themselves from you.

   Be honest and sincere. Tell them why you need to help and what you hope to gain.

5. Uncover the Real Interests – One of the hardest parts of the process is getting to the core of the conflict. An issue often masquerades as something else. You need to look beyond insults and incidents to the heart of the matter.

   Encourage the parties to identify exactly what needs to change and you will often find the root cause of the problem.

6. Encourage Emotion – A mediator needs to be strong enough to take the heat that true emotion gives off. Encouraging people to talk openly about a conflict in front of their adversary can be very uncomfortable. Do not cut them off or try to put your own spin on their viewpoint.

   As long as they follow the ground rules, let them get the issues off their chest, but if they act out or cross the line, regulate the behaviour, not the emotion.

7. Give them Options - Never back anyone into a corner they can’t get out of. Encourage the parties to bring a range of options to the table.
8. Do not Judge – It is important that a mediator understands and moderates their own emotions in the process. You may lean towards one of the parties in support of their viewpoint, but remember that you are the referee, not the cheerleader.

   Keep your personal opinions to yourself and focus on getting the best outcome.

9. Follow Up – Follow the mediation through to the very end. If there is residue hostility, look at ways of dealing with it once tempers have cooled.

   Show the parties that you support them right through to the end and that you do not consider the job done until the conflict is resolved to their joint satisfaction.

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