From Standing Out in a Crowd to Disappearing on a Date

Having always been a well-endowed woman, I once complained to a friend that just once I wished I could enter a room and not be stared at.

It was so tiring being looked at when all you wanted to do was sneak into the party, drop off a gift and make your escape…

Despite having just labeled myself as highly sensitive, I was totally unaware of the reaction I was getting. Not only was my friend staring at me in disbelief, but as I continued to bemoan my fate, a knot of blood had lodged itself in her skull and was beating a vigorous tattoo against her forehead.

But as I sighed and spun wonderful scenarios where I was transformed into Little Miss Average, she snapped, throwing her hands into the air.

“You have to be kidding! Do you know what it’s like to fade into the background all of the time? Do you know how depressing it is to enter a party dressed in citrus and a pink wig and still not get a glance? Only someone who has never been invisible would want to condemn themselves to the status of wallpaper.”

It was my turn to stare at my friend in shock.

I had never considered her wallpaper. I had never even thought of her as “average looking”. She was slim and athletic, with an open and kind face. All the boys wanted to be her friend and all of her relationships with females could be traced back to primary school.

I, on the other hand, found it hard to have platonic relationships with boys and had been on the receiving end of more than one catty comment from a supposed “girlfriend”.

While we were very different women, what we shared was an inability to harness our personal power.

The 40 Phenomenon

Not very long ago my mum talked to me about the “40 Phenomenon.” This, she explained, was like stepping through the front door on your fortieth birthday and disappearing down a hole.

At the time I laughed her off, but only recently a friend spoke out about her own experience. She described waiters who forgot to bring her meals, doormen who let her struggle into the hotel foyer with six suitcases, buses that drove straight past her…

It was like turning into Wonder Woman, she said, except it wasn’t only her jet plane that was invisible.

How could this be? She was an attractive, intelligent, successful woman who ran her own business and had an adoring husband. Shouldn’t she be more visible because she had been on the earth for forty years, impressing the heck out of every one with her good deeds and professional achievements?

Distressed by her words, I went in search of a contrary viewpoint.

I spoke to a girlfriend who is in her forties and has a whirlwind social life. A former model, she has a physical presence that almost knocks you off her feet. Recently divorced and unashamedly wealthy, she exudes all of the “stand out in the crowd” characteristics that even the most shallow observer would have to recognise.

She was the furtherest thing from invisible that I could image.

Not so, she told me. She had also experienced the 40 Phenomenon. Once she had been on a blind date at an exclusive river-side restaurant when she slipped away to take a phone call. Upon her return she found an empty seat. Later, when she had tracked down what she thought was her incredibly charming and eager date, he explained he had lost her in the crowd and thought she had gone home.

“The more attention you get when your younger,” she went on to warn me, “the harder it is when people start looking straight through you.”

Age Like an Actress

My glamorous friend summed it up by saying that women today age like actresses. While I thought she was referring to botox and toyboys, she said that even in the real world women are aging faster.

I have to admit that as our role-models become younger and younger and their time at the top shorter and shorter, it does feel as if the benchmark is taking on the shape of the diaper table.

Only last week the faux fur was flying because the Gold Coast Fashion Week has selected a twelve year old girl to be the face of the festival.

Maddison Gabriel, the teenage model, is “stoked” to have been chosen and does not agree with the concerns that her childhood has been robbed. Even the Australian’ Prime Minister has condemned the young girl’s involvement… and while all and sundry rally to protect these young models, I have to wonder who is protecting the rest of us women from a physical standard that gets younger every year.

And what of Demi Moore, recently speaking out about the attitudes in Hollywood? Her AU$600,000 body makeover (ouch, ouch and ouch) amazed us all in the Charlie’s Angels sequel, but since then the work had been hard to find.

“There aren’t that many good roles for women over 40. A lot of them don’t have much substance, other than being someone’s mother or wife. If we are told we are not valuable once we hit 30, it is a problem”, she said. “We all have more to give. We can’t just wait for something to happen. We have to say, ‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more’ “.

So maybe it’s not about being as old as we look or feel anymore. It seems that whether our bodies are naturally or surgically youthful is beside the point -

could it really be that the longer we hang about, the less visible we are?

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I believe that seeing yourself accurately and honestly is more important than looking for your image in someone else’s eyes… but I don’t want to have to chase a bus down the street either!

Thinking about my youthful reticence to stand out from the crowd and these dire warnings of my own looming encounter with the 40 Phenomenon, I have to laugh, albeit with a fair amount of irony.

I can’t help but imagine all of these young girls hating the attention and longing to blend into the background. They finally become comfortable and confident in their skin, embracing their beauty, power and presence…

only to find that overnight no one is interested in looking anymore!

I hope this isn’t a universal truth. I hope that the “crowd” views and values us for more than just our youth and that our footsteps cannot be so easily overlooked.

But if this is the case, I pledge to women of all ages that I will never let the door slam in your face or take your parking space or fail to return your smile or steal your cab - and if I do happen to do any of these things - I promise to look you in the eye and give you a cheeky wink!

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