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BlogFlirt Alert: Why the PDA is in Danger of Extinction
October 24th, 2007 by Simone
It’s a balmy night in Barcelona, Spain. A weary backpacker is looking for a bench to rest on.
She has travelled across Europe, but on this night she is feeling footsore and alone.
Home - where her heart is - seems very far away. But she is suddenly assailed by a wave of frustration…
Why?
For two reasons:
- She cannot find a vacant bench anywhere in the city; and
- Every bench is taken by a couple locked in a PDA.
Before any tech-obsessives wonder how this could cause such frustration, let me clarify the PDA…
The Wonders of the PDA
The PDA is not the Personal Digital Assistant, tucked away in your pocket like a permanent and adoring friend.
The PDA of my generation is a Public Display of Affection.
Long before people stroked their Blackberry, they were engaged in a far more personal connection.
The Public Display of Affection, mocked by school-children and avoided by commitment-phobes, is described by Wikipedia as “the physical demonstration of affection for another person while in the view of others.”
To my way of thinking, the PDA - assuming it is neither indecent nor sexually harassing - is a way of spreading the love.
But like the acid wash jeans and blue-light discos of my youth, PDAs seem to have somehow become unnecessary.
Bring Back the PDA
In recent years the PDA seems to have morphed into something darker.
Affection has been suppressed and now people cling to each other in public not to share the love, but in Public Displays of Aggression.
Other people seem to view the PDA with horror, the approaching hand or proffered lips seen as a sort of Proximity Danger Alert.
They duck and weave and glare at their loved ones, or avoid the issue altogether by wearing face-enveloping sunglasses and by carrying small dogs and over-sided carry bags.
The Fall of the Flirt
The passing of the PDA has also seen the fall of the flirt.
Princeton University has once again disturbed me with its definitions.
The definition of “flirt”, it tells me, is:
- a seductive woman who uses her sex appeal to exploit men
- to talk or behave amorously, without serious intentions
- playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest
- to behave carelessly or indifferently
Perhaps I am a romantic at heart, but flirtation to me is less about sex and more about a mental connection.
I’m not talking about librarians exchanging lingering looks over dusty books, but about the spark, the scintillation, as familiar as it is provocative.
Ever been stuck in an elevator with an attractive man? - then you know what I am talking about!
Give Me Some Skin
Stranger sex - and online love - may have killed both the flirt and the PDA.
In my article Love Online: Why Relationships are Ending With a Click, I described a relationship in which the young couple had never actually spoken a word face-to-face.
It was easier, the young girl told me, to keep everything at arm’s length. Preferring her lover’s profile to him in person, she turned to a statue when they actually met.
This social disconnection seems to be only accentuated by the belief that love - and the physical evidence of this emotion - is something that can be done with anyone, anytime.
Casual sex - a form of disconnected, distant affection - is something discussed on mobile phones on packed buses, but holding hands is frowned upon.
It seems to me that what we are missing - and yet what millions seem to be pursuing through online dating services - is the personal touch.
Reach Out and Touch Someone
The Free Hugs Campaign is doing its bit to restore the balance.
Juan Mann, a fellow Australia, kicked off this social phenomenon when he felt like “a tourist in my hometown.”
While I prefer my affection to come from those I know and love, I’m not about to begrudge a man who stands in a public mall and begs for personal human contact.
And if you were in touch with your average Australian male, you would appreciate exactly how far out Juan was putting himself by pursuing this course of action.
People Demand Action
Who have you touched today?
Forget the smiley faces dotted on your emails. Who have you physically reached out and touched?
I often work from home.
The old banter of the office - the arm punches, the shoulder pats, the slapping on the back after one too many drinks at the Sundowner (clearly I was in a male-dominated industry) - are a thing of a past.
So I am challenging myself to find other ways to physically connect with people.
Since commencing on this mission I have hugged my estranged aunt, held hands with my husband right across the city, kissed more cheeks than a French model and driven my cats almost into therapy… but I’m a lot happier!
The message is simple: Let’s Practice Daily Affection… and see if we can get a little more happiness into the world.
Tags: affection, Communication, flirtation, love, public displays
Posted in Relationships. Permalink for this post: permalink.
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October 24th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
I love PDA’s and luckily so does my husband. Like you I work from home most of the time and I do feel physically disconnected from time to time. I saw an old friend at the supermarket yesterday and there I was hugging her in front of the prune juice.
I’m not convinced that I agree with meeting online as a relationship ender. I met my husband through the Internet in 1994. My daughter met her husband through a dating site (ours) in 1998 and my best friend met her partner through a dating site and all three of us are in long-term “skin” relationships. Sure there are many that are dishonest but I suspect you’ll find a similar amount in real life meets too.
People that feel inadequate lie to make themselves look better and that’s true on the net and in real life.
I’m not sure about anyone else but we were 10,000 miles apart when we met and when we were finally able to touch we never let go! LOL
October 24th, 2007 at 9:54 pm
Great post! I do love to see couples holding hands in public, trading kisses (tender, romantic, not obscene or “get a room” kisses)…it gives me hope as a single woman that one day I will have that…I also have a son who I love to hug and make sure that I show affection to (he’s twelve so it’s few and far between nowadays)…but truth be told, he loves it and I think the way I act with him will translate to the way he shows affection to the future women in his life…I’m a hugger, I love giving and receiving and when I can’t get ahold of a live person, my puppy does just fine!
October 24th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Hi Feeling Flirty,
Thanks for the great comment. I totally agree that once you touch your long-distance love, you never want to let go!
Friends of mine have also had great success with internet dating. The key they believe is to be a good communicator both online and in person.
S.
October 24th, 2007 at 9:58 pm
Ms Marvalus,
This is one of the best comments I’ve had. Lots of hugs - virtual but totally heart-felt!
Thanks for the visit,
S.
October 25th, 2007 at 1:15 am
Fascinating…I suppose it all depends on what we each understand as a PDA, and what ‘values’ and ‘qualities’ we attach it (or if your’re lucky …them :)) these would then help us decide what is OK or Not OK for our situation. I’m reminded of the phrase - ‘The Meaning of Communication is the way it is recieved’ in this context, and the mixture of toe-curling embarrasment, mild curiosity, and jealousy as I was treated to a young couple mawling each other at the bus stop the other day. Might this behaviour be communicating to me ‘come and join in!’ in another cultural context? On balance PDA’s (of the non overtly sexual and OK with me variety) are, because we are social animals, a great way to model desirable non-aggressive behaviour –so let’s have more…
October 25th, 2007 at 5:39 am
I too agree we need to bring this back - I am a self-proclaimed hugger, and my husband is very affectionate - but you should see the stares we get when hug in public! I know we are trying to be politically correct - but I believe it has gone too far…
October 25th, 2007 at 5:44 am
I am exceptionally affectionate. I tend to hug everyone including strangers. I think more and more people are receptive to it, but there are so many people who are generally guarded.
There seem to be a lot of factors, including the fact that news rarely ever reports human interest stories anymore. It’s all child molesters, violence and even Tornados are said to “kill” people. fomenting hatred for people who think differently. The tolerance movement contain the most intolerant people I’ve evern met. Etiquette has been replaced with political correctness. And where are the HI stories of the past that focused on those who reached out and benefited communities?
My high degree of public affection (hand holding, being very close to each other) was a pain to my ex-gf. In my opinion she suffered from constantly worrying about what other people thought. I gave up that practice several Lenten seasons ago and have never looked back.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:06 am
Hi Reasonable Robinson,
Thanks for your input - I always look forward to your rational view :)
You are right about the cultural context. according to Wikipedia:
“Indonesia has a proposed law outlawing kissing in public places.
In Pakistan public displays of affection are common among young people but it is taboo and is almost never done in front of authorities as it is a criminal offence.”
And I suppose the meaning of the communication is the important thing - I’m sure the young couple didn’t MEAN to make you feel left out …hee hee!
October 25th, 2007 at 8:09 am
Hi Beth,
My husband and I are also huggers, but Western Australia is pretty laid back, so no one really takes any notice.
I usually reserve my stares for the young girls who run up and squeal and hug each other as if they’ve just completed a successful mission to the Moon… but then I am probably just grumpy that they can wear smocks and not look like a thirteenth century peasant….
S.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:13 am
Hi Jon,
You are spot on about the human interest story going the way of the PDA. I’m down to one news station out of four that I can watch…
A friend of mine is very affectionate (and her partner isn’t) and she has spent a long time internalising the belief that she isn’t good enough for him… Thankfully she recognises now that he has the emotional maturity of a door bell!
Keep up the hugs!
S.
October 25th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Another subject very close to my heart.
My Toyboy and I are both big on demonstrative love in public, hugging, hand holding and chaste kisses are always on the cards.
I think your stance on this subject has some bearing on the environment you were raised in. Although this is not always so….I remember finally meeting my parents-in-law, they travelled from another country to visit and arrived at our home, I was prepared to greet them with my usual boisterous round of hugs but was caught quite off guard to find them entering the front door and offering me their hands to shake. I was shocked to say the least…but I have learned that the English are *slightly* more reserved than us robust Aussies. I must add that the in-laws have now been converted to hugging as their first choice of greeting whilst in Australia at least.
Great post as always Simone.
MGL xox
October 25th, 2007 at 10:07 am
This is really unfamiliar territory for me because I am not all that familiar or comfortable with PDA.
I think possibly because of the post feminist generation I grew up in. where displaying affection in public was some kind of weakness. For some reason I always assume if a guy feels the need to hold my hand or hug me in public he either wants to control me, or wants others to see I’m his otherwise he’d keep it private.
I was never given this impression by family either which is strange.
My parents were not adverse to public displays of affection, I spent my younger years in Australia with a large non biological family all very openly affectionate with each other and I have a Latin American section of my family who are expert huggers and kissers and well known for their public display of familial affection anyway.
It still always surprised me to witness public displays of affection, although I’m not against it and often see it as sweet and very human. I wish I were more comfortable with it.
October 25th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Hi MGL,
Thanks for the input!
I love the word “demonstrative” - it has that monster element to it :)
Must be something that comes with the “toyboy” package that embraces (excuse the pun) the PDA.
Cooper,
I totally get the fact that you can be uncomfortable with PDAs - irrespective of your family. My extended family is like chalk and cheese on this issue. I was quite a cool little thing until my warm-blooded, European husband came along…:)
S.
October 25th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Public Displays of Affection has really indeed been replaced by the Personal Digital Assistant.
Imagine the days when flirting was a real art, and we all sat in the cold at makeout hill. Now, it’s just a matter of sending a wink through Lavalife. How sad is that….
October 25th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Ah Sharon, I remember those days only too well… Only in my part of the world it was always the beach!
S.
October 25th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Now here’s a thing…are comments on blog posts PDA’s in our new socially networked world? Maybe somone could invent a ‘hug peripheral’ for my PC?
October 26th, 2007 at 4:29 am
I believe human beings as a species need physical affection from others(not to make us sound like science projects). In fact they have shown that babies who don’t get it can actually die. So, in my opinion PDA are wonderful.
Of course, this is coming from someone who tends to shy away from personal PDA’s due to my fear social reaction to my “unconventional” lifestyle. Society has become more accustomed to two women together but, a select few (mostly the older generation) still freak out. ;)
October 26th, 2007 at 7:19 am
Hi RR,
I love the way you think! You always add an extra dimension to these posts - usually things I wished I had included. Feeling the love, yet? Got to go as my keyboard is scorching.
S.
Apologies RR for my flagrant flirting - see what all this PDAing is doing to me??
October 26th, 2007 at 7:23 am
Hi Priscilla,
Thanks for the great comment.
I saw a program with these little love-starved monkeys choosing a rag-doll over a bottle of milk because they wanted - or needed - the affection. Broke my heart.
I believe in enjoying love in all its forms. The world, in many ways, is like that little monkey…. so I’m here to do my bit :)
S.
October 26th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I don’t get where PDA is disappearing to. I am frankly happy to see it becoming extinct because I can’t stand to walk outside of my house and to see teenagers or even adults wrestling tongues. It’s disgusting. Perhaps you have a different view of what PDA is, but I know what I see and I hate it. Keep it to yourselves. Holding hands and locking arms and hugging is fine, but practically having sex in public is not.
October 26th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Hi Ed,
I think we do have different views on PDAs - the focus here is on affection, not public sex!
S
October 26th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
I agree as Simone explained at the top “To my way of thinking, the PDA - assuming it is neither indecent nor sexually harassing - is a way of spreading the love.”
Now sexually harassing could relate to either party(ies) or onlookers I guess, so that rules out what Ed is refering to as a PDA.
I think its great to have PDAs…I’ve just got me and my Dad into hugging (he’s 80 and I’m younger than him :)) and it feels great although it was a bit ‘awkward’ at first - you know ‘bloke’ thing.
I was in Cannes on business once and I bumped into an old Barrister mate of mine who stopped and gave me a big hug - to which my colleagues looked aghast…but it was just one of the things we did when we saw each other.
The simple things are good too - me and Miss X simply holding hands on a walk…………….OK folks handkerchiefs away please LOL
October 26th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Hi RR,
Love this insight. I’m breaking down the barriers with a few Aussie mates of mine who even shy away from the remote “air kiss”.
I also love your comments about your dad. Mine is a typical hard-nosed wheeler-dealer and it is only as he has got a bit older and slower that I’ve been able to catch him in a hug :)
And isn’t it wonderful what can be transmitted by holding hands…?
S.
October 29th, 2007 at 4:04 am
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