Being born a middle child can sometimes be a lonely road – after all, who ever heard of a referee having friends?

The reality is that many middle children are programmed, almost from the birth of their second sibling, to grow up to be effective mediators.

Eldest children will argue that they have the raw deal – all that responsibility and power and superior strength is obviously a curse.

The youngest child will claim that they are hardest done by, for how can they do anything different or special when they are walking in two sets of footsteps, parental hands supporting and cleaning up their messes all the way through life..?

But let’s be honest – there is a very good reason first place is in the middle of the winner’s dais…

Not only are we able to keep our siblings from garroting each other with their medals, but it is the moment when we can step up and receive recognition for eternally keeping the peace.

The Meat Makes the Sandwich

The reality is that many middle-children are the glue that holds the family together.

While the bread can sit at either end of the table, arms crossed and backs turned, the meat cannot help but try to reassemble the sandwich.

And so often the middle child is flavoured with a little bit of each of their siblings, giving the whole sandwich a common flavour.

While studies suggest that the make-up of middle children is the most varied and contradictory of all the birth positions, there are some shared characteristics that you might recognise:

1. Natural People Skills – Middle children are often people-oriented, with a genuine interest in human relationships.
2. A free spirit – Despite the responsibilities that go with the birth position, the middle child is often full of new ideas and independent thought.
3. Leadership qualities – Middle children often make excellent managers and leaders because they understand how to compromise and negotiate. They are usually good at finding and exploiting mutual interests.
4. Art of Expression – All that mediation helps develop strong communication skills, but middle children are also excellent listeners.
5. Support of individuality – middle children rarely make comparisons between people as they have often been exposed to judgments of their abilities, appearance and interests from a young age. This encourages an interest in individuality and a determination to undercover the uniqueness in others.
6. Meaningful relationships – Strong social skills and a moderate temperament ensure a wide network of friends, but middle children can be prone to spreading themselves too thinly. A few meaningful relationships work best.

Nine Steps to Letting Your Middle Child Take Centre Stage

Despite your birth position, you have probably recognised some or all of the above characteristics in your own personal make-up.

The reality is we all have a middle-child somewhere inside us.

When it comes to mediation, this is the persona it is best to unleash.

The goal of mediation is to create a spirit of understanding and collaboration, in the mutual task of finding a reasonable resolution of a conflict.

Whether the dispute is between colleagues, friends, family or neighbours, there is always a need for a mediating influence.

In my life as a middle sister, as well as a people manager, teacher and trainer, I have often flexed by mediation muscles.

Here are some tips on how to let your middle child do what they are best at:

1. Manage Expectations – Let each party know what can be achieved through the process. Find out what their expectations are and be honest about the likelihood of achieving them.

   If both expect the other to take full responsibility for the conflict, you will have not one but two disappointed people on your hands!

2. Prepare each Player – Follow up after discussing their expectations by giving them a status report on the other person’s point of view. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding… but do not bring the parties together unless they are both prepared to hear each other’s viewpoint.

   It may also be appropriate to set some ground rules. This means taking them through each step and getting their commitment to adhere to the process, not throwing the policy manual at them and leaving them to it!

3. Protect their Trust - As a mediator, you walk the fine line between sharing information and betraying a trust. Without their belief in your ability to see both sides and to protect their interests, you will lose what influence you have and potentially make the conflict worse.

   If you are unsure about whether something should be made public, keep quiet and gently encourage the parties to bring it to the table themselves.

4. Be Real – You must genuinely want to help resolve the conflict. If they feel that you are just going through the motions or have no real interest in the outcome they will distance themselves from you.

   Be honest and sincere. Tell them why you need to help and what you hope to gain.

5. Uncover the Real Interests – One of the hardest parts of the process is getting to the core of the conflict. An issue often masquerades as something else. You need to look beyond insults and incidents to the heart of the matter.

   Encourage the parties to identify exactly what needs to change and you will often find the root cause of the problem.

6. Encourage Emotion – A mediator needs to be strong enough to take the heat that true emotion gives off. Encouraging people to talk openly about a conflict in front of their adversary can be very uncomfortable. Do not cut them off or try to put your own spin on their viewpoint.

   As long as they follow the ground rules, let them get the issues off their chest, but if they act out or cross the line, regulate the behaviour, not the emotion.

7. Give them Options - Never back anyone into a corner they can’t get out of. Encourage the parties to bring a range of options to the table.
8. Do not Judge – It is important that a mediator understands and moderates their own emotions in the process. You may lean towards one of the parties in support of their viewpoint, but remember that you are the referee, not the cheerleader.

   Keep your personal opinions to yourself and focus on getting the best outcome.

9. Follow Up – Follow the mediation through to the very end. If there is residue hostility, look at ways of dealing with it once tempers have cooled.

   Show the parties that you support them right through to the end and that you do not consider the job done until the conflict is resolved to their joint satisfaction.

You know that line from the T.S. Eliot poem, “The world ends not with a bang but a whimper”?

Could it be possible that modern relationships aren’t even getting that far, with many terminating with nothing but the gentlest of mouse clicks?

Talking to a friend’s sixteen-year-old daughter, a casual discussion about her “love life” led to some disturbing discoveries about love online.

While she enthusiastically recounted wonderful conversations, brilliant games and exciting holiday plans that she had shared with the man of the moment, when I asked about actual times, places and dates she became strangely subdued.

Finally she admitted that things were fine online…but the pair had never spoken a word face-to-face.

Single White Female, Looking for Committed Texter

I could see that she was upset by this fact and encouraged her to talk about it.

This is what she had to say about a young girl discovering love online:

• When we are actually in the same room, we have nothing to talk about.
• I feel so embarrassed when he looks me in the eye that I have to look away.
• Talking to someone face-to-face is a lot of hard work.
• It’s much better to rehearse and edit what you want to say.
• If I see a guy in person, I get so nervous I just tell him to text me.

It was my turn to become subdued. This list of concerns seemed to have overwhelmed her. When I asked her if she had worked through any of these issues with a special guy, she looked at me as if I had suggested she bungee jump off a building without a rope. Oh no. She and her girlfriends had decided to take another tact.

They are only going to have relationships with guys who are really good texters.

As I tried desperately to find an appropriately G-rated comment, she added with wide-eyed sincerity, “People are just so much nicer in their profiles, than in person.”

Forget about Mr Right, or even his brother Mr Right Now.

Many of today’s young women, it seems, are only developing relationships with Mr Right Click.

You Have Mail

It’s a given that modern forms of communication like the mobile and the Internet are incredibly efficient and accessible for teens.

But they also distance users from both other people and reality.

• How many of you out there now prefer to get a text than a phone call?
• How many of you have been “dumped” or broken off a friendship via email?
• Who has a username that is slightly mysterious or fanciful?
• Whose avatar is reflective of a component of of their fertile, inner person rather than their yearbook photo…(or is everyone out there really a superhero with a name usually reserved for birds of prey..?)

As a teenager I had a number of pen-pals, and even exchanged some infatuated letters.

Protected by the physical distance such communication allowed, I could speak openly and honestly about a whole range of topics. I didn’t need to worry about my voice catching in my throat or the spinach lodged in my braces. I wasn’t distracted by having to interpret the body language signals that ping off adolescent males like alien transmissions.

But most of these pen-pals lived in highly accessible places like Finland and Columbia and it was unlikely that our paths would cross at the local fish and chip shop.

So, like desperate teenagers everywhere, I had to “put myself out there”.

This was painful, yes, with lots of embarrassing moments where I suddenly lost the ability to speak English or where I tripped over a floral pattern on the carpet.

But I survived and even learned to ride that thrilling wave that lifts you relentlessly towards the most humiliating of moments, only to have the object of your affection smile at you and say the most perfect thing.

This – any young readers out there – is a phenomenon called “dating”.

Beyond the Pick Up Line

Dating is ultimately about communication.

If you examine those rare creatures who can turn the most horrific dating experience into a smashing success, you will usually find that they are great communicators.

I have a friend who has dated widely and successfully for a number of years. She has her fair share of cringe-worthy moments, but instead of taking a mishap as a personal affront, she looks at it as a challenge and does everything in her power to make it work out.

This includes applying some of the basic rules of effective communication.

Here are six of the principles for communicating effectively, that I have applied to a dating scenario for any face-to-face first-timers:

1. Know Your Audience – if your online exchanges have been truthful, you probably already know a lot about your date. Prove this by asking questions about some of their interests. Encourage them to learn more about you by sharing some personal stories or insights. Focus on the story, not on your sweaty palms and before you know it you will be conversing faster than you could ever touch type!
2. Know your Purpose – be clear about why you are spending time with this person. If you have been honest about your intentions online, then this should be a breeze. Even say upfront what you want to get out of the date, so there are no crossed wires.
3. Know your Topic – on a date, your topic is simple: you and the person you are spending time with. Come prepared to talk, even if you have to rehearse some anecdotes before you go. Years later when you’re sitting together in the old people’s home looking back on fifty years of marriage you can laugh about the cue cards you took in your pocket on your first date!
4. Anticipate misunderstandings – face-to-face communication with anybody is open to miscommunication. Expect that you will disagree on things or that you might not express your thoughts as clearly as the wonderful essays you construct online. Learn to clarify your views and to laugh off disagreements.
5. Communicate a little at a time - short dates are often good dates! You can also restrict the conversation by going to a movie or game where body language can do most of the work.
6. Present information in several ways – face-to-face communication is only one form of expression. Texting, phone calls, emails, letters are all excellent ways to communicate – they just shouldn’t be the only ways!

Reading Between the (Blog)Lines

Ultimately what makes us great communicators is our ability to read other people.

With body language making up so much of the communication we share with others, it is essential that we encourage our young people to develop the skills of reading other people’s emotions and intentions.

But it seems to me that in the case of my young friend this has been taken literally, with a focus upon reading, rather than engaging with the people around her.

As a writer and teacher and avid reader, I urge people to keep reading and to explore the way other people present themselves on paper.

But if more than a one-dimensional understanding is your goal, then put the mobile and mouse aside and communicate with the person, rather than the profile.

The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.
George Bernard Shaw

Usually when I talk about inspiring women, I often refer to my fuzzy ‘friend’ who is either a genuine buddy I’ve kept anonymous to avoid physical harm or a composite of my friends.

But in every blog where I talk about my ‘friend’, my two sisters are always peppered into the mix.

This is not only because they are exceptionally interesting people who have yet to work out the danger of confiding in a blogger, but also because I know them better than I know anyone else. Not only are we bound by genetics and geography, but they are also my best friends.

I am the middle of three sisters and there are few moments in my life where I can remember feeling friendless.

When the three of us are out on the town, people often comment in surprise at the thought of siblings socialising together of their own free will. Women regularly recoil in horror at the thought of working or playing with their sisters. In fact, many of them do not speak to their sisters at all or have a hostile or competitive relationship that they drag to every family function and unleash on the rellies like a rabid dog.

So I’m one of the lucky ones.

But there are some real drawbacks to having such a great bond with your sisters.

Not only do they have the spare key and can raid your wardrobe at their leisure, but such undemanding, eternal support can make you really lazy when it comes to developing your social skills.

When your Sister is your Best Friend, Bridesmaid, Flatmate, Drinking Buddy and Personal Assistant…

When I moved to London to work for a couple of years, one of the biggest hurdles was that I went solo.

The boyfriend at the time lasted a few weeks before retreating from the endless drizzle and ridiculous cost of living and then I was alone in a crappy bedsit with a hole in the window the size of a fist (not mine!) and a landlord who kept a padlock on the fridge and the TV cabinet.

I remember sitting on my frost-slick sleeping bag and thinking, “It would be okay if my sisters were here.”

But they were a 24-hour flight away and I could barely make rent, let alone afford long distance phone calls, so the crunch came in the form of my chattering teeth. I could either sit in my refrigerated prison and dream of going home or I could get out there and meet some surrogate sisters.

In many ways this was like going back to the first day of high school. And after years of being a lazy best-friend, my social skills were about as mature as an eighth-graders.

Developing your Sister-less Social Skills

So these are the hard-learned tips I had to put into place to get a girlie gang that didn’t share my surname:

• Learn to Listen – the reality is that long exposure to your sisters numbs your senses. When you can finish each other’s sentences from across the globe, you don’t usually need to develop your listening skills. But your friendship with your new best-friend relies on sharing information.

  Talking about myself was the easy bit for me – I tend to turn into Old Woman Storyteller when nervous – but actually sitting quietly and squirreling away new facts about my friend was far more important. According to my father, there’s no better bonding tool than being able to quote a woman back to herself.

• Go Out of Your Way – this is hard for a lazy best friend. You can laugh in your sister’s face when she asks you to go with her to a boot-scooting class, but the same doesn’t apply with your new best-friend. Similarly, it is a lot harder to pull out of catching up because it’s a rainy night or you’re feeling grouchy or there’s a documentary on cheese that you want to watch.

  Sisters will just roll their eyes, but a new best-friend might just decide that you’re not worth the effort either.

• Be Friends with Their Friends – I have had little regard for one of my elder sister’s friends since she gave me a chinese burn on the trampoline when I was six, but taking the moral high ground with your new best-friend’s friends may leave you standing alone on the top of a very chilly hill.

  The best way to play it is to show her old-girl network that you’re there to add to the fun, not to distract your new best-friend from her gang.

• Establish Boundaries – this tip is particularly important in the area of men! While sisters keen to nab or “share” their men seems to be commonplace in the movies, in reality this is a line that doesn’t even need to be drawn! With your new best-friend this boundary may not apply.

  Rules need to be agreed on all the things our competitive hearts desire – in my case this applied to the great rental that moved me from Zone 6 to Zone 3 and across the hall from a spunky South African model.

• Respect their Differences – as sisters, differences have been assimilated into the friendship from childhood. You hardly even recognise the quirks that set you apart. But your new best-friend is still an enigma. You’ve probably shared a few secrets and got up to a bit of mischief together, but most of us are like icebergs when we first form friendships: 90% of our personality is hidden beneath the surface.

  If you want to share your flaws in a hurry, try backpacking around Europe with them in August. You’ll either see the fur fly or your friendship will be cemented forever.

The reality is that there are no better girlfriends than sisters…
even when they have photos like this in their archives, that they dare to post on the Internet!

Ten dollars doesn’t buy much these days – except a new lease on the life of your relationship!

I know it sounds too good to be true, but I just wanted to share my personal experience of the power of ten dollars.

Money, Money, Money

I have been married for six years next month and my husband and I know only too well that money matters.

A refugee from Eastern Europe, my husband grew up appreciating the important things, like life itself. But he also knew the power of the dollar.

In much of Eastern Europe the dollar is still a powerful symbol as well as a means to escaping poverty and hardship.

(I think that anyone who believes “money doesn’t matter” probably hasn’t been denied the basic human expectations of freedom, food and family.)

We also spent five years involved in Immigration to get him into Australia and I racked up more Frequent Flyer points than a Qantas pilot. Debt visited my home for the first time and decided it wanted permanent residency too!

And then a few years ago I was complaining about how money ruled our live. We were sitting in our nice home in Australia, having just been to the beach and heading off soon to a BBQ at friends.

But we were both in jobs that gave us little satisfaction, we still sent large amounts of money home to support his family, I was holding off having kids until we were more secure and we were slaves to a crushing mortgage. Your average financial nightmare.

But my husband looked at me as if I was crazy. Without saying a word to contradict me, he picked up the car keys and disappeared.

When he returned he gave me my first 10 Dollar Present.

Ten Dollars of Magic

The rules are simple:

1. To be given once a week
2. Must cost ten dollars or less
3. No wasted wrapping paper or cards
4. Can’t be a household necessity disguised as a present

Of course these rules have inspired some healthy competition, but the game-maker is the undefeated champion at remembering to go to the shops and at finding something in the price range.

I have proven to be both a cheat and liar, regularly pretending a twenty dollar item was in the half-price bin…

Here are some of the Ten Dollar Presents that I have recently received:

• A picture book on cats that made me slap him because it was so cute
• A rubber duck – a comment on all the baths I take
• A bookmark – again a comment I think on one of my obsessions
• A dog, a turtle and a shark – all stuffed toys of course
• Beads, hair-bands and nail polish – points for thought, if not colour-selection
• Handmade soap and candles, again encouraging more bath-taking
• A pen, a notebook and fridge magnet – sensible, but already in use

While I don’t doubt the power of ten million dollars, I think that more people should start by investing in just ten.

It is burdened by far fewer zeros, won’t keep you awake at night, doesn’t require a suitcase that is cuffed to your wrist and can be put to good use at any corner store.

Let’s face it, every time I think about one of his presents, or pick something up in the shop that’s only $9.99 I can’t help but smile.

To me that’s the power of the Ten Dollar Present.

Imagine that your ultimate luxury item is on sale. Not just a quick markdown to entice you into the store, but a slashing serious enough to move it off the shelf – this minute! Think a Fendi ‘Chef’ bag for the price of its zip, a pair of Rene Caovilla stilettos for the price of the buckle or a classic Lotus Elan sports car for the price of its hubcap…

So you know that it’s quality, you have no doubts about its style and you cannot believe what a sensational bargain it is – but as you eagerly reach towards it, fumbling with your credit cards, you spy the catch in the deal… it is the last bag/shoes/car you will ever be able to buy.

In other words, it will be the luxury purchase that you carry, wear or drive to your grave.

So you take a step away from the item. You shuffle your feet and put your credit card in your pocket. You look at the item again, from all angles, wondering… You look over your shoulder to see if anyone else is ogling it.

Is it so very different to that moment when the person you love gets down on one knee???

The Advanced Stages of Dating

Being a thirtysomething, many of my friends are going through what I call “The Advanced Stages of Dating”. They have tried all of the relationship status options and are edging closer to a sustained, committed and monogamous partnership that just may end in marriage.

I feel as if my life’s work is done – after all, they have talked about meeting their Perfect Partner since we were in shorty pajamas. This is the ecstatic ending of a long-held, often-expressed dream – isn’t it?

Well this is where the catch comes in. Just like the luxury item that seems too good to be true, my friend begins to falter as she gets closer and closer to the altar!

After all, she’s been in more malls, department stores, discount chains, flea markets and car boot sales than she’s had breakfasts. She has enjoyed browsing, touching, modeling, criticizing, comparing, and even returning her purchases. Half the fun of buying something has been in the selection process. She’s a lifetime member of the Try Before You Buy club.

So what if she is now banned from the mall forever?

The first thing I tell my friend is that she has been edging her way out of the shop for some time. It has been almost a natural progression, brought about by her complete contentment with her last purchase. In fact, it has been quite a while since she has been for a fix at the mall and even then she had limited her activities to browsing, her current purchase firmly on her arm. To tell her the truth, none of her friends can recall the last time she touched a potential new purchase, let alone tried it on for size!!!

She is officially in the very final stages of dating.

But The Grass May Be Greener at the New Little Shop Around the Corner…

It’s not that my friends are particularly commitment-phobic. Some have been in long-term, live-in relationships for years. They have worked hard with their partner to reduce their purchases to a single newspaper subscription and even at Christmas and New Year show great restraint amongst the champagne-fuelled shopping sales.

But choice has always been an option.

The harsh reality is that my friends have committed their lives to developing their skills in the art of shopping. They have identified the best stores, have clear expectations about high-quality purchases and have all of the wisdom, resources and stamina that a fantastic shopping expedition requires. In other words, they have perfected the art of attracting quality men. And that’s a finely-tuned skill that can be hard to stick in the bottom draw and forget about!

So what advice do I give my friend as she stands before her current purchase, his eyes misting over as he looks up at her from bended knee, his declaration quivering in the air between them?

Shop Like a Pro

Here’s the sales pitch:

• Remember why you think he is the best bag/shoe/sports car on the block – don’t diminish his great qualities by making unfair and often false comparisons with past or potential purchases. Focus on the many reasons you love this man.
• Listen to your shopping buddies – consider your friends’ opinions if you have to, but make up your own mind. This is not a consortium deal. This is all about your and your guy’s future.
• Don’t expect to be able to get a refund – this is a one-time offer and quality goods on sale are rarely something you can take back because you’ve had second thoughts. Don’t expect your man to take it well if you get cold feet.
• Know what fits you – All of your past shopping experiences have given you an eye for what suits you. When you first met this guy you knew he was a soul mate. Listen to your instincts.
• Don’t wait for the upgrade – the next model may look great in the brochures, but you have already test-driven this one and know it is a great ride. Better a quality man you know, that the next model which might be all flash and smoke when it rolls off the production line!
• Act, don’t just look at it – sales of this quality are rare. Don’t insult it by saying you’ll go away and develop a PROS and CONS list. Either someone else will snap it up, or it might just be full-price when next you visit the store. Remember, a great man is a rare find!

If this advice doesn’t have you reaching for your purse, also consider the fact that another friend just called me to gush with excitement at her latest purchase: a Dolce & Gabbana watch with enough bling to sink a ship. She’s happily divorced (twice) and shopping up a storm, so for the rest of you who like to keep your credit cards limber, I say, “shop on!”