Last weekend I was eating dinner with the family at a restaurant appropriately called Social when our conversation was interrupted by the discrete but insistent ringing of a bell.

Confused for a moment that last orders had somehow snuck up on us, I turned to watch a group of people simultaneously rise from their seats.

Like experienced synchronised swimmers, they rotated to the left and sat in the next vacated chair.

Despite being women of all ages, they shared a common expression that fluctuated between nervous and expectant.

“Speed dating,” my sister said knowledgeably and as if a bell chimed only for my family’s ears, all conversation at our table evaporated as we swiveled in unison to stare.

I looked at these brave souls.

Psychologists tell us that within just 10 minutes of meeting, people decide what kind of relationship they want with a new acquaintance.

So while speed dating seems the perfect answer to time-poor singles, it made me wonder how many of them were experiencing the car-crash equivalent of a first date.

And over a magical after-dinner cocktail, my surreptitious eavesdropping confirmed my fears.

More than a few of the intrepid singles were on their way to a head-on collision with openers like the following:

Sorry for taking up your time…

Why the apology? Beginning a sentence with “sorry” instantly gives people reason to look for insult.

Unless you have burnt a cigarette hole in the centre of their forehead, assume that your presence isn’t totally offensive.

You can always apologise to their retreating back if things don’t work out.

So you’re the new boss… Good luck!

There is one in every office I venture into: the doomsday cynic who offers their gloomy view of the world before I have even clipped on my security pass.

While a laconic outlook probably has all the guys at the Support Desk sniggering over their irregular IQ cubes, it definitely sends the wrong message to management.

What is your friend’s name..?

You might as well order your cappuccino while you are at it - no one likes to feel like their mate’s PA.

You’re always here, aren’t you?

This is almost as bad as pointing out that the person is wearing the same outfit as last week.

Everyone wants to preserve a little bit of mystery. Make them feel as frequent a visitor as the woman who fills the hand-towel dispenser and they won’t thank you for it.

Did you know you have spinach in your teeth / toilet paper on your shoe / a zip at half mast..?

It may be disturbing to see someone in a potentially embarrassing situation, but walking up and bluntly informing them of their social transgression is sure to be received as enthusiastically as a parking ticket.

Begin with some small talk before you shatter their image of themselves as the most gorgeous, together creature in the room.

I just had to come over and tell you that you have the best (fill in any personal compliment…)

Just having to do anything suggests a craving bordering on obsession. Nothing makes a pair of beautiful eyes narrow faster than this kind of hackneyed one-liner.

A simple rule: unless you are gifted with more charm than a rabbit’s foot, don’t try sucking up to strangers.

It is so boring / crowded / desperate here, don’t you think?

Unless the other person has been forced into the building by gunpoint, their presence suggests that they are there because they want to be.

Worse still, this kind of question suggests the stranger is an expert on undesirable places. All round this sets the wrong mood for a new friendship.

Have you ever noticed that we expend a great deal of time and energy preparing positive speeches full of joyful tidings, but we plan the breaking of bad news with all of the care of car crash?

A good friend of mine was recently the victim of what I’ve come to call an emale.

Believing her budding relationship was as secure as an anti-virus subscription, she awoke one morning to find that her partner had deleted her out of his life.

As she put it, she had been archived over email.

Worse still, he had sent her a follow-up email telling her that he had added her to the Block Sender list, so there was no point in responding.

Responding? As in indulging in a bit of mature discussion to resolve our differences or to come to some acceptance of the bad news?

Not with this archiving emale.

Making Bad News Bearable

Maybe bad news really isn’t like wine, getting better with age, but that doesn’t mean we need to treat it like a bottle of bubbles against the side of a ship.

The reality is that good news can be broken in any old fashion, but its negative opposite needs a few boundaries.

Despite the method you select to deliver your bad tidings, there are five key elements required to make bad news bearable are:

1. Accuracy - bad news that intimately affects another person should not be a game of Chinese Whispers. Get your facts straight before you share. Half-truths and rumours only prolong the pain.
2. Timing - delivering bad news in a time of stress should be avoided at all costs. Chose somewhere private and calming. If something simply can’t wait for the right surroundings, keep the urgency out of your voice and body language.
3. Phrasing - ‘think before you speak’ is great advice. Take as much time as possible to prepare the delivery of your message, using simple, precise language and follow another old adage: be firm, but fair.
4. Consistency - the recipient of bad tidings is likely to try and refute your bad news. If you chop and change your story with each re-telling, it will be much harder for them to accept the truth.
5. Reliability - if you are not seen as a trusted source of information by the recipient, it is better than someone else breaks the news.

Think you’ve got it all wrapped up?

A firm but fair, accurate and confidential email or text message that will drop the bad news in your recipient’s lap and let you walk away unscathed?

The bad news is that negative tidings are one of the most complex forms of communication.

As a result, there is a lot of misinformation floating around, like the examples below.

The good news is that by avoiding some of these traps, you are less likely to cast the blues over the target of your bad news:

I’m Telling You this for Your Own Good

Remember that bad news rarely has a flip side.

Even if you really believe there is one - he’s a jerk after all, you were never appreciated in that job, you have a great fire insurance policy - it can be hard to focus on it when your life is lying in tatters at your feet.

Give them time to absorb the bad news and to come to grips with it, before telling them to look for the silver lining.

We’re Over. Send.

Breaking up via text message or exposing a cheating husband by email breaks every rule of communication that has ever been - well, communicated.

Unless your entire relationship has been via text, or you have recently relocated to an Antarctic research station when you have access to no other form of communication, avoid this approach at all costs.

We all need support to assimilate change and the best form of assistance you can offer is by delivering bad news face-to-face.

I Know Exactly How You Feel. One Time When I…

Focus on the recipient, rather than yourself.

This means saying less and empathising more. If you’re unsure how to do this, put yourself in their shoes, rather than wrestling their shoes off and wearing them yourself.

Keep your comparison stories for when the heart has healed and they will be much more appreciated.

Oh My God, I Just Heard The Worst News!

Information brings attention. Got a scandal to share? Nothing beats a crowded room fixing on you like the last plate of hors d’oeuvres when you have bad news to break.

It is true that the urgency to share bad news can be overpowering, but do your best to avoid the drama.

The reality is that bad news is bad enough without a megaphone and a sky-writing plane.

You Bring These Things Upon Yourself

The key to really effectively breaking bad news is to minimise the impact on the other person’s sense of self.

Keep the news and the individual as separate as possible.

This means helping them see that just because the news is bad doesn’t mean that they are bad - or stupid, or worthless or unlovable.

The bad news is that bad news is unavoidable. We are all going to receive it as we live full and adventurous lives.

But the good news is that the next time we have to deliver it, we can avoid serving it up with a case of the blues by adopting a few of these simple strategies.

I have had a very rocky relationship with the telephone.

When my husband and I were first married, we had a delightful four weeks together immediately after the wedding and then it was twelve months before we saw each other again.

It’s true - I have the phone bills to prove it!

Due to the complexity of our immigration case and the trials of my corporate job, we were apart for the first year of our marriage.

My sister moved in to support me and every night I would undertake a strange, dependent relationship with the other occupant of the house - the telephone.

From the heights of a honeymoon to the depths of an engaged dial tone, long distance love has far greater power than your in-laws to put the romance of your relationship on hold.

Leave Me Hanging on the Telephone

There is no greater symbol of long-distance love than the telephone. It can be both a tangible connection to your loved one and a cold, impersonal device that refuses to obey your commands.

For me it took on the persona of an enormous black toad.

It would eye me suspiciously as I found excuses to walk past it every few minutes.

When it finally did croak to life I never knew if it would transform into my much-loved prince or a call centre telemarketer trying to sell me garage doors.

A phone turned mute is a hideous betrayal. It can come to embody all the doubts and misunderstandings of your relationship.

But long-distance romance does not only reside in the telephone receiver.

The challenge is to create a reality that you and your partner share, in which the distance that separates you is merely one aspect of your relationship.

Finding ways to keep the romance fresh and thriving is the second - and greater - challenge!

Decoding the Dial Tone

The six basic rules of communication, outlined in “Love Online: Why Relationships Are Ending With a Click“, still apply when your relationship is long-distance:

1. Know Your Audience
2. Know your Purpose
3. Know your Topic
4. Anticipate misunderstandings
5. Communicate a little at a time
6. Present information in several ways

But how do you transform simple communication into a romantic exchange when there is an ocean between you?

The hardest thing about long distance love is the loss of the physical. And before you smirk knowingly, I mean the intimacy of non-verbal communication.

Words can deceive and tone can be misinterpreted, but body language communicates meaning on another level.

Without this powerful interaction, the language of love can be as stilted and cold as the prim British voice informing you that your phone card credit has just expired.

The Long-Distance Love Survival Guide

So here are some tips on how the distance that separates you can actually bring you closer together:

• Write Love Letters - Letter writing is far more tangible and precious than either emails or text messages. They are creased by your own hands and they carry your scent. It is also more difficult to plan and edit your letter, often resulting in more honest communication.

  Remember to take the time to buy beautiful paper. Splurge on a special pen. Make it an experience you enjoy and that reflects the time and energy your relationship deserves.

• Make the Most of Local Love - Enlist your friends and family to keep the feeling of love alive. Don’t relegate your relationship to the “same old, same old” pile, but talk about it as if your partner just walked out the door.

  Visit the old haunts and stay in touch with his friends to ensure he remains a tangible part of your life.

• Create your own Rituals - Just because you are not face-to-face shouldn’t stop you from adding depth and substance to your relationship.

  Exchange riddles or dares, make one night a week marathon phone-call night, send silly postcards from local tourist traps or create your own long-distance language that includes special words that only you and your partner understand.

  Keep things fresh and fun and the relationship will thrive.

• Keep Your Feet on the Ground - It can be very liberating to be able to indulge in whispered words of love, but it is important to balance the fantasy with everyday discussions as well.

  Once reunited, the mundane will also have a place in your relationship. Keep each other informed of things at work, in your family and in your community. When he returns you will slip more easily back into your “real life” together.

• Keep your Perspective - It is easy to lose your balance when you rely upon a government utility to bring you closer to your loved one. As in my case, you can become obsessed with the phone that never rings.

  Don’t look for hidden messages in the static or try to read between the lines of your partner’s letters. Trust in the relationship and be honest and upfront about your doubts.

• Protect Your Personal Space - It is also important to not let your partner’s absence take over your life. Don’t put important things on hold. Consult him on the big decisions, but make sure your own growth and identity keeps evolving.

  Remember that he will be changing and growing and it will strengthen your relationship if you have your own new experiences to share.

• Recognise Your Loss - You need to be very honest about the gap that exists because of your loved one’s absence. Like any change in your life, recognise its existence and plan for the challenges it brings.

  Also recognise what he is missing out on. There may be times when he is homesick or he misses an important event. Keep him in the loop, but tread gently when you share important news that will make him feel a long way from home.

• Avoid the Substitute Partner - By transferring all of your emotional needs onto a friend of the opposite sex, you are setting someone up for a fall. Crying on the shoulder of a friend is understandable, but turning that person into a substitute partner threatens both your friendship and your long-distance relationship.

  Share your needs amongst your friends and family and reserve your more intimate interactions for your partner.

• Expect to be Disappointed - As deflating as this may sound, it is important to prepare yourself for anti-climax. All that energy you devoted to planning and dreaming and wishing for the moment of your reunion cannot possibly be sustained once the event has occurred.

  You will both have changed, you will feel a little out-of-step with each other and the old intimacy may succumb to the strangeness of the situation.

  Take heart. Eventually you will get back in your rhythm and if you continue to speak openly about your feelings and needs, your relationship will be stronger than ever.

Apologising is one of those simple things many of us find hard to do.

Perhaps this is because we associate an apology with two heavyweights of the emotional stage - Power and Truth.

Saying you’re sorry is an admission of guilt, right? It undermines your viewpoint, surrenders your personal power and potentially lays the blame at the feet of the innocent…

After all, she started it!

The reality is that an effective apology is not about the situation that prompted it, but about the relationship that requires it.

It is important to remember than an apology is about the other person. While there may be a lot of your own emotions tied up in saying “I’m Sorry”, when it comes down to it, the focus needs to be on the person who feels that they have been hurt.

If you find apologising a difficult business, it is probably because you are clouding the issue. Try stripping an apology back to its essence. It is not about you, your pride or your belief in your viewpoint.

It is about making amends - the purpose of the apology is to mend what deserves to be fixed.

Confession is Good for the Soul

Two of my friends have been a bit chilly with each other of late. Their lives are so intertwined they can’t simply fall off each other’s radar, but when they put their cold shoulders into action the temperature in the room becomes Arctic.

Fearful of frostbite, I confronted one of them and asked her why she hadn’t apologised.

She stared at me in horror.

How could I fail to take her side? Everyone knew she was in the right. Why should she give her the satisfaction? And who says she needs - or even wants - to be friends again?

As I stared into her face, hot with hurt, I had to ask: Was the apology really the harder road?

To me it seemed that the pain she felt from not healing their rift was infinitely worse than the pain of the original insult.

In the end they had a couple of drinks, howled on each other’s shoulders and put their past injury to rest.

And maybe confession is good for the soul, because having dealt with the issue head-on, their friendship is now stronger than ever.

Guidelines to a Great Apology

So what makes an effective apology?

• Tossing a box of chocolates at the recipient and mumbling a few words into your armpit?
• Apologising with grace and sincerity, only to then quickly excuse and justify your behaviour?

If either of the above seem a good way to go, the following tips might throw some light on the art of the effective apology:

1. Be sincere - talk from the heart. Don’t apologise if you don’t really feel it, because it will only add to the rift between you. If you are having problems feeling warm and fuzzy about the other person, think back to your relationship before the conflict. Focus on some part of it that you sincerely want to maintain and use these emotions as your inspiration.
2. Be specific - focus on asking forgiveness for the issue at hand. Avoid drawing past insults or conflicts into the discussion. Be very clear about what you are sorry for. Describe the exact behaviour that was out of line, so there are no further misunderstandings.
3. Make it meaningful - an offhand apology will never go down well. Apologising requires you to expose part of yourself. Commit to healing the hurt you have caused by making a meaningful apology. This doesn’t require flowers or gifts, just an apology that connects with the other person’s needs.
4. Make it timely - the longer you leave it, the harder it will be and the worse the slight will feel to your friend. You may need time to cool off and compose yourself, but just make sure you wade back in before the waters have turned to ice.
5. Keep it in proportion - the apology should correspond to the level of injury. A violinist is a little over the top for having snapped at your partner over the washing up. Similarly, a quick peck on the cheek will do little to bridge the walls that have been erected after a major conflict.
6. Go public - as squeamish as this may make you feel, there is a time and a place for the public apology. If you need to test the waters first in private, then that is fair, but if the stage is where you have to go to do your penance, then keep your chin up and brave it out. If it is good enough for the penitent presidents of the world, it should be good enough for us!

It is also important to remember to not ruin a good apology by adding any of the following phrases after “I’m Sorry…”

• …but I don’t know why!
• …although I didn’t do anything wrong!
• …even though it wasn’t my fault.
• …but you must be as well?
• …are you happy now?

On the Receiving End

Maybe one of the obstacles to becoming a culture that embraces the apology is that we are equally unskilled and out of practice at receiving an apology.

If someone has taken the time and built up the courage to apologise to you in person, it is important that you respond with an equal level of honesty and compassion.

This doesn’t mean that all hurts are healed or that you have to accept it even when you still feel like cracking a plate over his head, but it does mean that you need to acknowledge it.

An apology is often just the first movements forward under the flag of truce. The soldiers might still be at the gate and the injured at your feet, but the apology is the first step away from the conflict.

If you feel that you cannot even acknowledge the initial gesture, then retreat until you are able to or quit the field altogether.

Because treating an apology as the signal for another round on the battlefield will reduce the likelihood of every seeing the white flag again.

The Last Word

Saying you are sorry is not a magic cure to conflict.

But although apologising to someone does not undo the hurt, it shows them that you respect their feelings and recognise their point of view.

In a situation that may have led to tears and harsh words, a heart-felt apology is a very simple and effective way of moving from conflict to communication.

Just remember that despite what the cynics say, an apology is NOT a good way to have the last word!

Think of it instead as the beginning of the conversation… and that’s my last word.