Home
About
Contact Us
Our eBooks
BlogAvoid the Endless Upgrade: How to Be Happy with What You Have Got
September 30th, 2007 by Simone
Do you ever feel like you’re one of Pavlov’s Dogs, salivating at the thought of upgrading to a better car, better partner, better job, better house?
All around us we see evidence of our need to upgrade.
Real-life success stories, celebrity endorsements, self-help books and sky-high billboards all create a culture of need.
It’s a material world and if you’re not spending, you’re not living!
Such messages - neither subtle nor sophisticated - trigger our reflex responses and our salivary glands go into overdrive.
But before we reach for our cheque books, do we stop to consider if our need is real or a conditioned response?
Could it be that if left to create our own reality - think no media, advertising or peer pressure - would we actually be happy with what we’ve got?
Blurring the Lines Between Needs and Wants
When I was teaching Geography to high school students in London, we would have a discussion about the difference between needs and wants. To a modern, middle-class, Western audience, the definitions were often confusing.
Needs were those things required for survival: food, shelter, clean air and water, medical care and protection from abuse and discrimination.
Wants were those things that were more discretionary and certainly not in the same league as our needs.
But we need money and holidays, the kids would argue. And how could they possibly survive without a TV?
The reality is we desire our wants so much, they feel like needs.
How many times have you said, “I’ve got to have a holiday” or “We need a bigger house”?
Perhaps they are not necessary for survival, but without these things our standard of living will certainly suffer.
And improving our standard of living is the reason we get up in the morning - isn’t it?
The Shifting Sands of Living Standards
It seems to me that our standards of living are far from fixed and clear.
Instead, they seem to blur and shift like an oasis on the desert sands.
In technical terms the standard of living is defined as the level of material comfort that an individual or group aspires to or may achieve.
But who is determining those levels? Do you decide the things essential to your material comfort, or are outside influences dictating the terms?
Upgrade Equals Euphoria
In computing terms, an upgrade often implies greater capacity, new features and improved performance.
But is upgrading really about adding greater value and quality to your life? Do you have to upgrade to be happy?
All the statistics seem to suggest that despite having more than our parents or grandparents, we are actually less satisfied with our lives. Some of the reasons for this include:
- We put in more hours at work to upgrade our lifestyles, but have less leisure time to enjoy the fruits of our labour.
- We put the needs of our family above all else, but are often not there when they need us.
- We focus on creating more choice and opportunity, but the financial burdens we take on tie us to our commitments and drastically reduce our flexibility.
Unfortunately our expectations have far surpassed those of our forebears - we believe we can do anything, anywhere, anytime - but as a result our disappointments are greater.
Euphoria, it seems, is not in stock for those of us who put a high price on it.
Tips to Resist the Upgrade Grab
- Value the Sentimental - When my home was broken into one Christmas Eve, the thieves opened all of the presents under the tree and left the wrappings behind. As I gathered up the bits of torn paper I found that they had hastily re-wrapped one item. It was the pair of socks my grandma had knitted me, for I was far from home and it was an icy Christmas. Perhaps they were sentimental thieves, but I think they simply placed no value on the gift.
They put more value on the CDs and bits of costume jewellery than the gift from my grandmother’s own arthritic hands.
Perhaps I am sentimental, but when I sat in those socks and ate over-cooked turkey with my friends, I felt as if all of Christmases had come at once.
- Do an Identity Check - Who are you? What do you value?
When you think of how you would project the Perfect You to the world, what do you see? The woman you are now or someone out of reach? What is missing to close the gap between the two versions of yourself? Is it really more of what you already have?
The next time you think “I just have to have that”, stop and consider if it really takes you one step closer to the woman you want to be.
- Use Your Own Measuring Stick - We all suffer from a fear of falling behind. As the world around us seems to move on and improve, we can be frightened into thinking that unless we upgrade too, we will never be able to catch back up.
But we can set our own benchmarks. We can decide what is enough.
The reality is that we cannot have the best of everything. We need to decide what is important to us and focus on achieving those specific things. If we choose to be content with our lot, then nothing can convince us that we are missing out.
- Understand the Opportunity Cost - The irony of modern life seems to be that we are spending more time than ever earning money, yet have less time to enjoy it.
We need to always be aware of the cost of our pursuit for more.
While we work long hours we miss time with our family. While we chase status symbols, we overlook less tangible but often far more rewarding pursuits.
When we understand the cost of the opportunity we have forfeited, we can ask ourselves honestly if it is a price we want to continue to pay.
- Get off the Merry-Go-Round - It is said that 8 out of every 10 Australians want radical change in their lives.
Obviously this ride is not giving us any satisfaction. But what do we do when the journey we are taking fails to reward us - we run faster of course!
Be a person who stands back from the crowd and looks the ride over carefully before it starts - if you don’t want to spend your life going in endless circles, then don’t get on board in the first place.
- Worship High Culture over Haute Couture - The purpose of culture is to give us context - to give our lives shape and form.
But is the shape we really want full and round and balanced, or thin and hard and rectangular, perfectly sized to fit into our wallets?
Forget the structural similarities between churches and shopping malls and focus your awe on something with real substance. Worshipping God gets us into heaven. Worshipping AMEX gets us into a pretty pair of shoes.
Posted in Happiness. Permalink for this post: permalink.
If you are a Digg user, please 
Digg this post. | 
Stumble It If you use use Del.icio.us, then add us in: 
Del.icio.us
What do you think?
Leave a comment! Or send a trackback from your own blog.
Like to read more? Subscribe with RSS
Subscribe via RSS
September 30th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Intetesting writing!
September 30th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
There you go with all that mind reading again LOL.
Hubby and I have often had this conversation, I am the least materialistic person I know, perhaps this is because I am very lucky and have everything I need. I am not sure, I have never really thought about it from that angle. Maybe I would feel differently about “things” if I wasn’t so fortunate?
I also think males have a different perspective on this than females…or maybe they just want to own different, bigger, noisier things?
Thanks for once again providing great food for thought!
MGL x
September 30th, 2007 at 7:48 pm
There is brilliant irony in your ‘real substance’ example Simone. That aside, on the spiritual front is it possible that the pursuit of heaven, or paradise, or nirvana, or any number of shades of transcendent calm is simply another manifestation of the upgrade state of mind you describe? Begs the question, what are our spiritual needs and wants?
October 1st, 2007 at 8:42 am
A quote from Nathaniel Branden -
At the simplest level, integrity entails such questions as: Are you honest, reliable, and trustworthy? Do you keep your promises? Do you honor your commitments? Do you do the things you say you admire and avoid the things you say you deplore? Are you fair and just in your dealings with others?
— Nathaniel Branden
http://www.nathanielbranden.com/catalog/splash.php
This is the most honorable and noble man on the planet and I think you’ll find he’d tell you that the war we wage between “wants, meeds, and desires” vanish when you become true to yourself. The most truly selfish among us are the most giving and most moral.
I read the Psychology of Self-Esteem probably twenty years ago and it changed my life more than any other single event. In reality, it’s not about what we want but who we are!
blessings,
julia
julia ward - a BLINDING heart - a writer’s blog
http://www.ablindingheart.com
October 1st, 2007 at 9:02 am
Hi Optimist,
Thanks for visiting.
Hi Mad Goat Lady,
I think you are spot on. When you feel fulfilled and content with what you have, your wants and needs aren’t likely to be confused.
Thanks, as always, for your comments :)
S.
October 1st, 2007 at 9:05 am
Hi Glenn,
Thanks for your insightful comments and questions.
I think for many of us our spiritual needs and wants are met through traditional forms of religion, but I personally believe real contentment comes from finding the spiritual in everyday, ordinary interaction with people and places.
S.
October 1st, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Hi Julia,
As always you bring something extra to my posts! :)
Thanks for the link to an inspirational man.
S.
October 1st, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Hi Simone,
This is a great post.
I am constantly upgrading the material things in my life. I find that a lot of people are in this situation that I am in. We spend to acquire things in our lives that we think will makes us happier in our surroundings (i.e new furniture, TV’etc..) When really all we need is the people around us. They remain the same weather your sitting on a $3000 leather couch or a $300 one.
We also accumulate tons of debt to do it. Eventually this catches up with you and you end up having to give up the those unimportant material items just to hold on to the important ones. (i.e your house)
Great tips as well, Thank you
October 1st, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Hi Steve,
Thanks for the great comment. You are exactly right about the couch - I can see my old, lumpy favourite from here!
I think we really just need to stop and think about our motives more. Sometimes I think about upgrading something and then realise it is just to impress somebody. Usually the people that need to be impressed don’t actually add a whole lot to your life either!
Thanks for your perspective.
S.
October 1st, 2007 at 10:49 pm
Being an aging, existential hippie chick, I bring old-age and weathered wisdom to the table. When I was fourteen we protested the Vietnam War and wore lovebeads and peace signs. We ate berries and gave away our possessions. Now, we consume everything in our path to massage our egos and our spirits to keep out the emptiness.
Sometimes, a violet is enough - drops of rain singing in a puddle, sometimes it isn’t. We have the luxury of choosing the value we place upon our lives/possessions, our time, and our relationships. The real question is do we define “who we are” by what owns us (our possessions)?
Choose well Grasshopper!
blessings,
julia
julia ward - a BLINDING heart - a writer’s blog
http://www.ablindingheart.com
October 1st, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Hi Simone, I’m having a material purge at the minute. I moved house a few months ago and most of the boxes are still undisturbed which means it’s all ’stuff’ I can live without. Excellent post to reinforce my goals!
Hope you’ll accept the award I just posted for you at Kissing the Dogwood. :)
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:22 am
Great topic Simone. I have lived long enough to realize that things don’t make you happy. If you’re happy already, they’re nice, but if you’re unhappy about your life, material things only make you happy for a little while, then you’re back to where you started. Thanks for adding me and keep up the great wriing.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:18 am
Hi Julia,
Sometimes it makes me quite wistful that my first female idol was Madonna, the original material girl. But a few years backpacking around Europe gave me real focus as to the important things in life. Mum nearly cried when I told her I took my leather boots out of my backpack in Russell Square in London and gave them to a homeless person because my backpack was just too full! It was actually one of the most liberating moments of my life.
Thanks, as always, for your insightful comments.
S.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:22 am
Hi WalksFarWoman,
Isn’t that excellent how a move can do a sort of Spring Clean by default?
My parents recently had their kitchen renovated and mum put all of her bits of pieces in the room next door. Only certain things got back “to the other side” - though I noticed she smuggled a few extra bits back in when I wasn’t looking :)
Thanks very much for the award!
S.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:25 am
Hi Chris,
You are spot on about things and happiness - they have even studied the subject and found that once your basic needs are met, there is little difference in terms of the happiness of those just getting by and the very, very rich.
I’ll settle for very, very loved any day of the week :)
Thanks for visiting!
S.
October 2nd, 2007 at 10:19 am
Hi Simone,
Ah yes, the material girl. We’re moving next week and I too have boxes, and boxes, and MORE boxes of stuff. Books! I could start a third world country with the books I own (or the books that own me). I have 6 guitars, more books, beads, cookbooks, and this amazing butternut wood countertop that was from the first hardware store in the town I grew up in. It weighs 70#’s and was made in 1872. I may wax poetic and ponder the paradox but I have history - and stuff.
And I have over 2,000 watercolors hidden under my bed. Augh!!!!!
blessings,
julia
julia ward - a BLINDING heart - a writer’s blog
http://www.ablindingheart.com
October 2nd, 2007 at 10:28 am
Simone, you’ve really nailed our materialistic society down to just one single post.
There is no real destinction nowadays from want vs need. In fact, I even have problems separating the two. Especially, when I really need to get me a shoe that’s outrageously expensive that probably might only be worn once or twice in it’s lifetime.
Guilty as charged. Great pointers. Maybe it’s time to make that extra effort….
:)
October 2nd, 2007 at 10:43 am
Hi Julia,
That’s an impressive number of watercolours! A woman of many talents.
My parents have so much stuff (I feel like a fisherman one-upping you about the catch that got away) that they built an “extra room” on their house by lifting the floor in the sunken lounge!
That’s commitment to stuff!
S.
October 2nd, 2007 at 10:44 am
Hi Sharon,
Thanks for the visit and the honesty about the shoes. Been there myself many a time :)
S.